Posted by: Judy | August 21, 2017

15 of 25 Things

As I started my journey working through these, it was to clarify to myself what I went through. However, as I’ve worked, I’ve discovered a deeper reason for exploring each “Thing.” Each of the 25 Things applied to me. I also realize that I’ve worked through some. They are no longer a problem. I’ve made progress on all of them. This is an opportunity to look back and see how far I’ve come. It’s important to do that, once in a while.

Original post from The Mighty:

https://themighty.com/2017/06/childhood-emotional-abuse-adult-habits/

15. [I have] attachment issues, trust issues [and am] paranoid that everyone will leave me. A lot of this is part of my BPD. My sudden divorce also contributed to these behaviors.”

My sister combined 14, 15, and 16 in her response:

https://ptsd-acceptingcopingthriving.com/2017/07/17/different-facets/

My response:

I addressed trust in the “14 of 25 Things” post last week, in terms of allowing others into my life. It was about avoiding being taken advantage of, used, hurt.

This is about trusting others not to abandon me. It’s happened, often. It started young. Best friends decide our friendship doesn’t work for them. Pets die. Yes, death is a kind of abandonment. It’s the circle of life but that doesn’t make it easier.

At the same time, I was taught that every single friend must be kept. “You can never have too many friends.” “You can’t afford to lose even one friend.” Losing a friend was my fault, and I needed to rectify the bad choice on my part. Sadly, I believed the lies.

Friends are not collectables. Friends are people.

Every time I stripped away a layer of lies, I lost friends. Not because they were bad people but because I wasn’t who they thought I was because of how I portrayed myself. Not their fault.

Abuse requires lies be interwoven with truths. When I no longer told or believed the lies taught to me I changed. As I changed, my focus changed. As my focus changed, my life changed.

Do I have trust issues? Yes. Am I paranoid everyone will leave me? Not anymore. Do I believe no one will leave me? Absolutely not.

People change. Guaranteed. Sometimes, people change is in the same direction; sometimes, they don’t. Choosing different directions isn’t a bad thing. Sometimes, it’s possible to remain friends despite going different directions. Sometimes, it isn’t.

It’s okay to make a different choice. It’s hard when it’s the other person that realizes the friendship doesn’t fit anymore first. What’s sad is hanging onto a friendship that was meant for a season instead of a lifetime.

There’s a difference between being abandoned and growing in different directions until the friendship no longer fits. Looking back and yearning for what was wastes time and energy and even blinds one to the new friendships waiting.

No, I’m not as comfortable with the process as I sound. I understand the process, but I’m not good at putting it into practice. I’m working on it.

Posted by: Judy | August 20, 2017

A bit of inspiration…

People will throw stones at you.

Don’t throw them back.

Collect them all and build an empire.

~ Wild Woman Sisterhood

Posted by: Judy | August 19, 2017

Silly Saturday…

I may have posted something similar before, from social media, but this showed up and I laughed again.

Sometimes I feel like I have my life together and then I’m like:

Wow, that was a really nice 45 seconds.

Posted by: Judy | August 18, 2017

Good News Friday

*Walk and P.croissant with my sister

*Strawberry croissant and hot chocolate with whipped cream

*Rain

*Church

*Dinner with family

*Downloaded 45 new pictures to share

*Yummy rice crispy treats ~ instead of using 1 teaspoon of vanilla, used 1 teaspoon of Irish Cream flavoring. No, I don’t drink; however, I used to enjoy pre-made hot cocoa packs, tasting almost every flavor, until I discovered I like my own cocoa mix. Irish Cream was one of my favorites. I missed it, until one Christmas my younger brother and his wife gave me Irish Cream flavoring. Flavoring is magical. 🙂 Rice crispy treats will never be the same. I also tried substituting half the butter with coconut oil. Winner. I’m going to try with only coconut oil next time.

*Down 10 lb and 1 size

*Lunch with a dear friend

*Homemade tomato soup, ham sandwiches, butterscotch pudding.

*August’s bouquet from Bobbie’s Flowers

What was something good in your week?

Posted by: Judy | August 17, 2017

Celebrate the little things…

I follow Brendon on YouTube. He recently posted Celebrate the Small Wins.

https://youtu.be/rQCcRArv4wY

I’m really bad at celebrating my wins. Yes, I give myself little gold stars on the scheduled tasks I accomplish during the week. But it isn’t really a celebration. The gold stars lets me know it’s done, and I can stop thinking about needing to do it.

My Good News Friday is an effort to improve, but I fail to enjoy the moment. I might mention the success, as an aside. Why do I do that? What do I downplay the good things that happen?

I type the question and the answer immediately pops into my head. NM always found a way to belittle, degrade, dismiss my joyful moments, like being happier than her was a bug that needed to be squashed. So, I learned to keep the celebrations to myself.

It’s a habit I need to break. How? I don’t know. My first thought is that it should be easy. Just Celebrate! There’s one little problem. I’ve become so accustomed to hiding my moments of happiness in order to protect them from being torn apart that they slip by without me really noticing.

I think learning to celebrate the little wins in life is a sign of being a Thrivor, not simply a survivor.

Posted by: Judy | August 16, 2017

14 of 25 Things

As I started my journey working through these, it was to clarify to myself what I went through. However, as I’ve worked, I’ve discovered a deeper reason for exploring each “Thing.” Each of the 25 Things applied to me. I also realize that I’ve worked through some. They are no longer a problem. I’ve made progress on all of them. This is an opportunity to look back and see how far I’ve come. It’s important to do that, once in a while.

Original post from The Mighty:

https://themighty.com/2017/06/childhood-emotional-abuse-adult-habits/

14. “I avoid asking help from anyone because I don’t trust anyone. I believe if someone offers me a hand, there will always be something they [want to] ask in return. I have friends but I don’t have a best friend. I keep my distance from people. Automatically, my wall blocks anyone.”

My sister combined 14, 15, and 16 in her response:

https://ptsd-acceptingcopingthriving.com/2017/07/17/different-facets/

My response:

Asking for help meant admitting weakness, failure, being wrong. I didn’t say it was true; I said that’s what it meant to me. How did I learn this? What happened when I asked for help growing up?

I was spoken to like I was stupid. “It’s easy…” “It’s simple…” “Anyone can do this. All you have to do is…” “What do we need to do to make sure you never make the mistake again?” Yes, not knowing was treated like a mistake.

For me, one of the worst was “Watch me.” I was frequently scolded for not paying attention, except I was. I simply couldn’t translate what they did into what I needed to do.

What I need: Let me do it and talk me through, step by step, and don’t skip a step and expect me to be intuitive about it. Sometimes, I am, but I’m often not. Once I’ve learned it, I enjoy exploring and trying variations, if it’s applicable.

It’s important to recognize that I needed to figure out what I needed before I could ask for it. I only figured this out a few years ago.

Like the person above stated, sometimes, asking for help required payment… I won’t go into that ugliness here, except to point out that the trade was never fair or balanced. They would give a little, and I was required to give almost everything. Then I would be required to be thankful for what they’d done for me. And if I didn’t properly verbalize my gratitude (above and beyond the price I’d been emotionally blackmailed into paying), then I was ungrateful.

To say the least, trust is a nightmare issue all it’s own. Keeping up walls, with me safely inside and unsafe people outside, was an obvious solution. It was also a healthy solution, around the abusers. I experienced a lot of disasters letting people in I thought were safe but weren’t. I didn’t know how to recognize who was safe and who wasn’t, re-enforcing the need for walls. Being alone all the time isn’t healthy. I was healthy enough to recognize that and the need for change.

I had a church leader tell me that all I needed was Jesus Christ. Yes and no. A simplistic answer for a complex problem. I replied, “How can Jesus Christ help me if I don’t trust Him?” My counselors helped me restore the trust that had been brutally stripped from me. It required practice, lots and lots of practice, pretty much like anything worthwhile.

I’m much better at asking for help when I need it. I’ve still a lot to learn, but I’m improving. Sometimes, the problem lies in not realizing I need help. Other times, I know I need help, but I don’t know what kind. I don’t like asking for blanket help because it too easily leaves the door open for offers I don’t want or need.

My last counselor didn’t ask me to drop the walls. He asked me to build gates and not one big one but a series of gates. People were allowed to enter if they met certain criteria. Of those allowed past the first gate, some were allowed to enter the next gate, working their way inward. It isn’t perfect, but it’s much better than keeping everyone out or allowing everyone in.

Posted by: Judy | August 15, 2017

13 of 25 Things

As I started my journey working through these, it was to clarify to myself what I went through. However, as I’ve worked, I’ve discovered a deeper reason for exploring each “Thing.” Each of the 25 Things applied to me. I also realize that I’ve worked through some. They are no longer a problem. I’ve made progress on all of them. This is an opportunity to look back and see how far I’ve come. It’s important to do that, once in a while.

Original post from The Mighty:

https://themighty.com/2017/06/childhood-emotional-abuse-adult-habits/

13. “I find myself always explaining my every move. I explain why I bought something, why I did what I did, etc. I feel like people think I’m lying to them, so I owe them a detailed explanation. Also feeling as though if I say ‘no’ to someone, they’ll hate me. So even if I’m inconveniencing myself, I’ll say ‘yes.’”

My sister combined 12 and 13 in this response:

https://ptsd-acceptingcopingthriving.com/2017/07/12/woes-of-people-pleasing/

My response:

Explaining myself was a habit developed young. I had to explain so thoroughly that I couldn’t be questioned or have what I said twisted. I could state an absolute fact, like the sky is blue, and I would be questioned. “Are you sure?” It’s difficult growing up in a situation where the worst is thought of you. Explaining wasn’t about being open; it was about defending myself.

It was years before I heard the term “Gaslighting.” Funnily enough, I’d seen the movie. I did not see the correlation to my own life.

As to saying ‘no’ and feeling like they hate me, not so much. Instead, my ‘no’ was questioned to the point where I was taught I didn’t have the right to say ‘no.’ If I did, I was disrespectful and disobedient. ‘No’ was negative, and no negativity was allowed, at least not from me.

I was to be perfectly cheerful and pleasant, but not too cheerful, at all times. I was to give whatever was asked and then some or I was lazy and unhelpful.

Thankfully, God taught me how to say ‘no.’ I can’t remember if it was a class, a book, a lecture, or my first or second counselor. The changed started with practicing saying ‘no’ to little things, things that didn’t matter. I was told to say ‘no’ to little things I wanted but didn’t matter as practice. When I discovered that the world would not explode or implode because I said ‘no’ I progressed to little things that did matter. I learned to say ‘no’ first with the option of changing my mind.

Do I still say ‘yes’ when I wanted to say ‘no’? Sometimes. Service usually isn’t convenient.

I learned that saying ‘no’ to one thing always meant saying ‘yes’ to something else, and vice versa. I needed to choose my priorities or someone else would choose them for me. ‘No’ and ‘yes’ are all about setting and maintaining boundaries. If I want to be healthy, I have to set and maintain healthy boundaries.

It helps me to think in terms of God has work for me to do, and the adversary has plenty of distractions.

Posted by: Judy | August 14, 2017

12 of 25 Things

As I started my journey working through these, it was to clarify to myself what I went through. However, as I’ve worked, I’ve discovered a deeper reason for exploring each “Thing.” Each of the 25 Things applied to me. I also realize that I’ve worked through some. They are no longer a problem. I’ve made progress on all of them. This is an opportunity to look back and see how far I’ve come. It’s important to do that, once in a while.

Original post from The Mighty:

https://themighty.com/2017/06/childhood-emotional-abuse-adult-habits/

12. “I feel the need to please everybody I deem ‘of authority’ and thus have a hard time getting my needs met. I strive too hard for [a] perfection that doesn’t exist, and then eventually, melt down when too many things are not up to the standards held in my past.”

My sister combined 12 and 13 in this response:

https://ptsd-acceptingcopingthriving.com/2017/07/12/woes-of-people-pleasing/

My response:

People Pleaser: Been there. Done that.

I grew up hearing “You’re doing the doing; do it your way.” There was one little problem: If I didn’t do it the way expected, I was corrected, regardless of whether I’d done it wrong or right. I’d try harder to do it right. It took far too long for me to figure out that the point of the insanity wasn’t to teach me to do it perfectly but to ensure I failed.

The purpose of causing someone else to repeatedly fail is to keep them under the thumb of the tormentor. Of course, there are occasional successes, the proverbial carrot on a string, only enough to keep the victim under the influence of the abuser.

It’s wearing trying to measure up to an impossible standard set by someone else. Adding to the nightmare is when I made the impossible standard my own. I remember one of my sessions with my last counselor. He wanted to know how I viewed my ideal. Sitting in his office, I could see her perfectly, the woman I always visualized I wanted to be. What shocked me was realizing I didn’t like her. Yes, she was beautiful, healthy, and successful. She was also arrogant, demanding, and unreasonable.

My awesome counselor helped me strip the lies from my foundation, strengthen the truths, and rebuild. Changing my perspective paved the way for me to release the need for perfection, for the most part. It served me well as a medical transcriptionist.

Line upon line, I released the need for perfection in many aspects of my life. I also discovered that failure isn’t a scary or a tragedy. Failure can be an opportunity to learn my limits and make achievable goals to stretch a little further.

The game changer was learning and accepting I didn’t have to stay stuck in the past and then doing the hard work to make the changes I wanted in my life. I spent a lot of time in prayer asking for God’s guidance and inspiration. Books, music, movies, people, anything and everything was an opportunity to learn.

Posted by: Judy | August 13, 2017

Light Inspiration

Don’t compare your life to others.

There’s no comparison between the sun and the moon.

They shine when it’s their time.

~ HealthyPlace.com

Posted by: Judy | August 12, 2017

Silliness on Saturday

Another FireFox tidbit:

Scientists discovered a supermassive black hole at the center of the Milky Way, contradicting their chewy caramel center theory. #NowYouKnow

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