Posted by: Judy | June 27, 2017

Fallout of Abuse

I started posting this series on my author’s blog and realized I should be sharing it here:

On random days, I’m going to share information I hope helps other dealing with various types of abuse, physical, emotional, mental, sexual, spiritual. At least two or three overlap. I’ve lived with all five. It is survivable. I’m struggling to learn to not simply exist but to thrive.

My sister, also a survivor, has her own page, and I’m sharing her most recent post, the one that triggered my decision:

https://ptsd-acceptingcopingthriving.com/2017/06/18/making-changes/

She shared a link to The Mighty that opened the door for me to do some introspection:

https://themighty.com/2017/06/childhood-emotional-abuse-adult-habits/

As I read through, I realized all 25 statements could have been said by me, in one form or another at one time or another. I’ve managed to improve on all of them. Whenever I think maybe I’m “normal” something comes along and reminds me I’ve a long way to go. However, I’m learning to not beat myself up because I’ve come a really long way already.

Over the next however long it takes, I want to address each of the 25 statements, looking at where I’ve been, where I am, and where I’m going. If you’re on the same journey, I hope you find something helpful. If nothing else, know that you are not alone.

What a cool picture. Yes, it’s one of mine, and it amazes me what a camera can capture.

Posted by: Judy | June 26, 2017

Context Continued…

Candidkay made the observation that she couldn’t imagine what a guy would be doing with a bat. Not a wooden bat but the animal variety. At least that’s what came to mind as I read her comment. So the context has to be considered not only from the speaker’s point of view but from the point of view of the listener. I know most people are familiar with baseball. However, if the last thing on the radar was the animal variety, it’s reasonable that it’s where a person would first in their head.

Think about it: We communicate with people every single day. Each person has their own perspective and their own experiences to draw on in order to gain understanding in any given situation. Then throw in the language gap. Even those who speak English to each other often come from different references. Do you push a grocery cart or a buggy? Do you drink soda or pop? Do you spell the color gray with an a or an e? By the way, I use that one because I’m proud of myself for figuring out how to choose the correct one for my American publisher. GrAy is American, and GrEy is English. So I’m easily amused, what of it?

Oh, then throw in sarcasm, and it’s a whole new ballgame and not baseball, basketball, or football (or soccer), depending on where you’re from.

It’s a miracle we all get along as well as we do.

Posted by: Judy | June 25, 2017

Inspired

Posted on social media:

The most important thing you will ever do in your life is learn to embrace your unique, honest self. A boundless, infinitely populate universe, and there is nothing else here quite like you.

This is your power.

All those things that make you strange and different are what make you irreplaceable.

~ Beau Tapin

Posted by: Judy | June 24, 2017

Silly Saturday

From I Can Has Cheezburger.com, several years ago:

Posted by: Judy | June 23, 2017

Good News Friday

*Air conditioning… repeat, repeat, repeat

*Sense of humor

*Walk and P.croissant with my sister

*Apple croissant and hot chocolate at P.croissant

*Vacuums

*Baking soda and oranges for cleaning sinks

*Water

*Lunch with a dear friend

*Did I mention air conditioning?

What was something good in your week?

Posted by: Judy | June 22, 2017

New habits…

…will they last?

I walk six days a week. Short on Tuesday and Wednesday. Long on Friday, and longer on Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday.

Upped my physical therapy reps by 1, from 2 to 3, three days a week.

Added Jell-O.

Working to learn to use what I have, which means being creative.

Using more coconut oil and less butter.

Going to bed earlier.

Watching less television, especially mindless watching. If I’m not interested, I turn it off.

More creative use for some of my extra beauty products. Lip salve is helpful on extra dry hands, then lotion overall. Lasts longer.

Using up beauty products, like lip gloss. They’re a favorite freebie at conferences, so I have A LOT.

I eat a good breakfast and then wait to eat lunch until I’m hungry. I only eat a few small things, like a bit of Jell-o, some cottage cheese, a PopTart, a cup of milk, enough to keep me happy until a good dinner.

Single-serving bags of popcorn may be expensive comparatively speaking, but they work well for me. I don’t have one every day, but it’s a great evening snack.

Purchased new spill-proof water bottles. Tougher to find than I expected. No more worrying about spilling water around my computer and modem.

New perspective on eating: Food is calories. Yummy calories or not so yummy calories. If I’m going to spend calories, make them worthwhile. I don’t actually count, but I am mindful. If I’m going to eat it, my body’s going to have to do something with it. Funnily enough, I’ve never cared for thinking of food as fuel. That always sounded so joyless to me. Thinking of food as calories sounds more pleasant. Mind games. I know.

It’s going to be an interesting summer.

Posted by: Judy | June 21, 2017

Context Matters

This popped into my head as I drove home from running some errands. I saw a guy walking down the street with a bat. Being the storyteller I am, my imagination ran wild. What was he doing with a bat? Was he dangerous?

I reined in my split second of dismay to observe. He was tall and athletic. He could do some real damage with the bat.

He was also wearing a baseball uniform.

Context matters.

So when someone blows off the details, sometimes it’s those very details that change everything. As a writer, it’s the details I include that give the story depth and a sense of realness. Details tell the rest of the story.

Posted by: Judy | June 20, 2017

Head Conversations

Monday morning’s post triggered thoughts along the same vein.

My first counselor advised me to work out conversations in my head. I was to think of every possible reply and craft a response I could use without having to think. This was how she wanted me to deal with NM. There was one little problem, which I did not see until years later. It never occurred to me that any of the replies would be blatant lies.

I would approach the “discussion” hopeful for a positive outcome. The first lie would be thrown at me, followed by more lies. In nothing flat, I wouldn’t simply be drowning, I’d be dead at the bottom of the sea. I did attempt to prepare for the lies, but some were so outrageous they would blindside me and leave me speechless. Needless to say, the exercise was a fail.

However, I didn’t stop talking things through in my head. I’d done it before, but I became more aware, more intentional, more exploratory. I learned to slow down in the middle of a rage long enough to examine why I was really angry. Rage is rarely a singular causation. For that kind of emotional explosion, it’s a bunch of different things piled on or something with a long history.

Yesterday, I went about the morning doing tasks that are brainless, the things that require absolutely no thought and leave your mind to wander as it may. Sometimes, I sort through the story I’m working on. Sometimes, I work through something that’s bothering me. Yesterday, it was one of those imaginary dialogues my first counselor encouraged me to have with NM.

NM has told numerous people that I hate her. There was a time when I did, but it was years ago. In my head, I heard her making the accusation again. My mental response was that it’s too much work to maintain that kind of emotion with no real reward. It’s an energy eater. I had to let it go. There are things she’s done I hate, but I can’t give it anymore than that.

I need to remember that her accusations aren’t about me. Maybe I’m ready to let this rest. Giving the battle to God and praising God in the storm.

Posted by: Judy | June 19, 2017

After Father’s Day

I thought about buying a card for my father but didn’t. I’m not there yet.

I’ve never denied the fact that my father is healthier than my mother, but he still did nothing to stop her abuse. He flatly denies knowing it went on. He may not have known the worst, but he too often revealed he knew there was a problem.

He often said, “She’s doing the best she knows how. You have to love her.”

As to the first sentence: She wasn’t doing the best she knew how. Not when she would look around to make sure no one overheard her nasty comments. Not when she smiled at someone else’s pain. Not when she about-faced when one tactic didn’t work and she’d try a different one. Not when she refused counseling.

As to the second sentence: No, no I don’t. The first time I said that out loud to him shocked him. He never gave me the directive again. I think with time I’ll be able to move into God-type love, but I’m not there yet. I’m working on it. I’ve already reached the point where I’m sad for her. This does not mean I put my foot back in the bear trap. I’m sad for her at a safe distance.

I’ve struggled with the honor your father and mother commandment. I’ve worked hard to find peace with myself on it. Thank you Dave Orrison over at Grace for my Heart:

https://graceformyheart.wordpress.com/2017/06/15/about-honoring-parents/

I love this perspective, and yes, I’m claiming it for my own. I don’t think I’m quite there yet, but I’m headed in the right direction.

Posted by: Judy | June 18, 2017

Inspirational Quote

Motivating Daily posted this a while ago. I need to read it every day:

https://motivatingdaily.com/2017/05/09/carry-on/

Success is not final, failure is not fatal:

it is the courage to continue that counts.

~ Winston Churchill

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