Posted by: Judy | February 21, 2012

Learning to live free continued…

I needed a break after what I’d written yesterday. The anger was beginning to gain the upper hand, and for the time being, it would be unproductive.

After a bit of a breather, it’s time to jump back into the fire.

I don’t want anyone who is trapped at the moment to feel hopeless. My circumstances have brought me to the point where escaping isn’t an option, though I’m still hopeful for some day.

When I was much younger, I could have pursued a few different job options that would have taken me away, though at the time I hadn’t the wisdom or the strength to take the risk. I did entertain the ideas, but always found excuses. Perfectly reasonable excuses, but excuses nonetheless.

Now, my health is a mess. Perhaps leaving was never a true option, only temptation whispering “what if” and “if only.” No matter.

I may be trapped, but it doesn’t mean I must allow my tormentors to continue to poke me with a stick. The stick was most painful when I didn’t expect it, and couldn’t prepare myself for it. I’ve stopped lying to myself. They have a stick. They will use it against me. However, I’ve also discovered they prefer it to be a surprise, by refusing to close my eyes to the truth, it’s difficult to surprise me.

My counselor endeavored to teach me I wouldn’t die if I left home. I tried. I really tried to believe it. It’s so incredibly difficult.

I can’t remember at the moment which chapter talks about this, but I do share how I was terrorized into the belief I couldn’t survive away from home, despite having lived in Asia and Europe, on the opposite side of the world from home. Even so, I knew where home was, and I would be returning.

The fear was so prevalent I could barely imagine living anywhere else. To find peace with myself, I stopped trying. I allowed myself to accept home as is.

Today’s post is more for me to sort my thoughts, though I hope someone is able to find something of use in the jumble.

My perspective is changing.


Responses

  1. Change your perspective – change the picture. Or as Dorthy found out, looking behind the current teaches you what they are hiding.


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