Posted by: Judy | February 22, 2012

Learning to live free finale…

…for now.

I say for now because I’m changing. I’ve started folders centered around the type of place I want to live someday. I did that a little when I was much younger, but I quit, when I gave up hope.

Hope is a living breathing thing. It lives independent of us. You can’t kill it, only drive it away. It’s also incredibly tenacious. It has a way of sneaking back at the most unexpected moments.

Though I became reconciled to living where I am, and for many years shunned hope of ever enjoying anything else, hope has been slipping back into my life. It started with Stop Lying.

Actually, it started about ten years ago, but I began to recognize it when I started my campaign to stop lying.

I had to stop lying to myself, about everything. I had to stop lying about there being no hope for me. I had to stop lying about everything being all right. I had to stop lying about the way I was being treated. I had to stop lying about the way I treated myself.

Once I stopped lying, I opened the door to endless possibilities, so many possibilities I was overwhelmed. I’m learning about boundaries there, too.

I can’t move out, today. I can make my living space more pleasant.

Interestingly enough, I discovered the living space I wanted to make more pleasant most was the body I live in. So the journey has begun. I’m starting from the inside out. I started changing the way I think and feel. Those go hand in hand.

You can’t change one without changing the other, and you have to be willing to accept the changes in both.

As I accept the way I feel and change the way I think, I change the way I interact with people. There is no choice. It will happen. It’s scary, and it takes practice, but it takes more practice learning to accept how others will have to adjust to how they interact with me than it takes for me to make the changes. Interesting thing to learn, but then I was ready and willing to make the changes. Sometimes it surprises others. Some handle it well, some don’t. The change is for me, and they are welcome to come along or not.

Then there was the need to change the physical inside. This meant taking better care of myself. As I take better care of myself, the outside is changing. This also elicits different responses from those around me.

Change has a ripple effect. As I change the inside of me, it changes the outside of me, and I find myself changing the things around me.

Life is an adventure. Adventure is all about change. I can fight the changes, mired down in the struggle to stay in the familiar, in the past, or I can throw myself into the changes and see where it takes me.

Sometimes, I’m able to throw myself into the changes, wholeheartedly, no hesitation. Other times, I’m shaking in my boots, and taking two steps back for every step forward. Now, I could beat myself up about it, but I prefer to look on the bright side: At least I’m still facing in the right direction.

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