Musing, thanks to RabBits…

…and Lael-Heart. Last week, Jeff, over at RabBits shared this post:

https://jeffrab.com/2019/11/21/a-heartbeat-away/

He was definitely praising God in the storm.

Followed a few hours later by HeartStyle’s:

https://laelheart.ca/2019/11/21/a-sad-goodbye/

My mind wandered down the rabbit hole, as it often does. If you’ve ever wondered how a writer tells a story, this is how it starts: They wonder.

He offered a good reminder that life is short. We only have today.

Lael-Heart shared the heartache of losing a dear friend and the importance of living life to the fullest.

I’m well past the half century mark. It’s been almost a year since the mother passed, and I’m doing some serious thinking.

She always declared she wanted to live to be 100. She was terrified of death. Dementia kicked in many years ago, and she grew more frightened and more angry. Sadly, what she wanted most (close relationships) she threw away by needing to be in control of every single aspect of everyone’s life. She was terrified of not being in control, and she couldn’t control death. She worked hard to keep it at bay. She prided herself on her intelligence, with good reason, but dementia robbed her of what she valued so highly.

Sooner or later, death comes for everyone. Circle of life.

Death is a part of life. Even Jesus Christ experienced death. Because of Him, we are all blessed with resurrection, without exception. Where you live in Heaven is a different story and depends on whether or not you chose Jesus as to how close you live to Him for Eternity. Blessedly, God decides all that for He is able to see the human heart and judge with righteous judgment and mercy.

That’s the end, but this post is about how I live here.

Dementia is hereditary. I confess I don’t want that for me. A heart attack or an accident seem so much kinder than having who you are stolen as your mind deteriorates, over decades. I’m eating the foods I love but learning to not binge, not to lengthen my life but because I feel better. I also like being able to reach my feet to put on socks. 🙂

I’ve spent most of my life waiting for someday. Someday, I’ll have a home of my own. Someday, I’ll be financially stable. Someday, I’ll have another dog and a couple of horses. Someday… Of late, I’ve been realizing that my somedays are swiftly dwindling, and none of my someday wishes are anywhere in sight.

By the world’s standards, I’ve been a miserable failure. I’ve lived in my parents’ house all my life, with a stint in Yellowstone, Thailand, and England. I never married, never had children, never had a “career.” Yes, I’m a published author, and a few hundred have read my books over the years. The world is not impressed.

Too often, I allow the world to cast doubt on my worth. The world is wrong.

My parents were and are also wrong. They measured success by a hefty paycheck. I don’t make much as a caregiver, but it is honorable work.

The storm last week reminded me what it’s like to feel thrilled, down to my soul. The power of the storm, the beauty, the awe. I can’t remember the last time I felt that way. Since the storm, I’ve held onto that sense of wonder, enjoying good food, beautiful flowers, favorite books, enjoyable movies, kind people, vibrant colors, soft cloth (blankets and stuffies), even the pleasure of letting go of things. Thanks God for awakening my joy.