Posted by: Judy | September 21, 2017

Self Care 2 of 25

I want to take the same care going through these as the last group of statements, focusing on solutions. I’m not good at self care, but I am learning.

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2. Actually trusting that my friends care about me and want to spend time with me. I have a very difficult time believing that my friends (best advocates and loving people including my spouse) actually like me. I always think they’re just tolerating me. This isn’t logical. And I know that they love me. But it’s still a constant nagging.

My response:

I’m doing better, but I still struggle with this. It doesn’t help that I kept repeating unhealthy relationship patterns. Some of them couldn’t be trusted.

As I become healthier, my relationships improve.

This problem isn’t about the relationships. It’s a mind game. Abusers played them all the time. The challenge is to stop playing them. Practice is the only thing I can recommend.

It’s also important to realize that there will never be “perfect.” People aren’t perfect. People make mistakes.

Abuse survivors were taught to trust no one. They learned the hard way that too many people are untrustworthy. Finding the trustworthy ones is a gift.

Another difficult aspect is that abuse survivors not only struggle with trusting others, they have even more trouble with trusting themselves. Like loving others as yourself, you can’t really trust others until you trust yourself.

So, how do you build trust in yourself?

One step at a time. Start by taking little risks. Try a different food. Really. As you gain confidence in the little things, bigger opportunities will open. It’s also okay to make mistakes. It may hurt, but hurt is a part of life. Working to avoid it at all costs will cost everything.

A huge opportunity opened for me to exercise trust like I haven’t in a long time. I’m going on an adventure with friends I made online and have met at events two and three times. I’m trusting their expertise and what I’ve learned about them over the years. It’s my first event since I’ve made major life changes, like incorporating Rule #1: Stop lying, especially to yourself. It’s also my first event that isn’t romance writing related since I’ve been published.

What are my fears? I’ll slip into old, unhealthy habits of coping. My back pain will act up; it’s been a long time, but you never know.

What have I done to ease those fears as far as it’s within my power? I’ve been practicing my new habits to where they’re almost second nature. The old habits have time on their side; I practiced them a lot longer. My back hasn’t given me trouble in a long time. I do my physical therapy, six days a week, and one of my traveling buddies picked up 1-lb weights for me to use to keep up my PT. My roommates will take care of the house, blessedly. Internet will be inconsistent. 

I’m nervous about going through airport security. The last time I took a flight, I only had to worry about the metal detector. Yes, it’s been a while. In any normal situation, pat downs and x-rays violates healthy boundaries. Being treated like a criminal when I’ve done nothing wrong is too much like dealing with abusers. So, what’s my plan? Give the battle to God and praise Him in the storm. I’ve tested it in other situations, and God has seen me through. Not always pretty, but I made it.

My trust in myself isn’t perfect. A good thing. I’m fallible. My trust in God to see me through anything is strengthening. I’m looking forward to the next challenge.


  1. Chocolate helps with dementors and airport security. Just a suggestion. 🙂

    • Chocolate is now packed. 🙂

  2. One tip I learned going through security is don’t wear a skirt, creates a pat down every time, told to me by a very polite TSA lady while doing mine

    • Thank you, Janet! My packing is now adjusted.

  3. One step at a time, One day at a time. And finally my other favorite: Progress not perfection. with both hips replaced I always set off the alarms and have to be patted down. I have noticed that in the past year the pat downs have become more polite and less invasive. Progress. Have fun on your travels.

    • Good reminders, and comforting to know. Thank you!

  4. Sounds like you’re doing really well. Keep on keeping on.

    • Thank you!

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