Posted by: Judy | May 19, 2016

Follow Up on Sleep

I’m feeling a bit out of sorts. It’s probably due to the changing weather. I’m one of those who deals with barometric headaches. Yesterday, as I spent time with the dog, I knew I was in trouble. I stood in the shade, and the light was too bright to keep my eyes open.

I must confess that God has kindly blessed me with early warning signals for my migraines. If I pay attention, I’m able to head them off before they become full blown. My best remedy is sleep.

I decided today would be a good day to review the use of my CDs. The Delta Sleep System left me feeling dopey. I’d sleep what I thought was solidly, but I’d spend the whole day feeling like I’d taken Benadryl (allergy medicine). I can handle that once in a while but not day after day. It’s like someone has opened my head and removed all thoughts but the most basic. After over two weeks, accomplishing much of anything but moving through the day was next to impossible. Writing wasn’t being accomplished. I wasn’t even able to do much reading. Yes, I could play on social media… oh, dear, doesn’t that sound awful? I didn’t need my brain for it. I didn’t actually interact much. I simply watched what everyone else was doing.

This is when I wonder if I’m truly depressed. I hated being a slug. In my regular life, when I wasn’t using the Delta Sleep System, at least I was able to interact with people. My writing was slow, but I was writing. I read for enjoyment. I’m a turtle, but I am moving forward. I usually feel like the world is zipping around me at hyperspeed. However, when the depression like I was feeling set it I felt like my slow crawl had ground to a halt. At least when I was inching forward I was aware of those around me. In the depressed state, I’m barely aware of anything.

To add to the confusion, I’ve done the depression tests. I fit the profile. Unfortunately, when I did it for my doctor I answered the questions with a good day in mind, so I never registered as depressed. Now I take good and bad days into account overall. If the world moved at a slower pace, my pace might not stand out so starkly. But the world is what it is, and I do.

This is one of those times when I search back in my past wondering when it happened. As a small child, I was often called a teetering snipe. “Hold still.” “Stop fidgeting.” I don’t know when the transition happened or if I lived with both at the same time, but I also remembering being punished for being “slow as molasses in January.” “Grandma’s slow, but she’s old.” I not only heard it at home, but I heard it at school as well.

I know I’ve spent my life in sleep deprivation. It was forced on me. I was trained, and now I’m endeavoring to retrain myself.

I think the Delta Sleep System might have worked if I weren’t so far into sleep deprivation and dealing with PTSD. I have to remind myself that PTSD adds in a bevy of problems I can’t single out because they’re all related.

My Relaxation Collection used to include the Ocean and a Babbling Brook. Unfortunately, I gave those two away. At the time, I couldn’t listen to either one. I was endeavoring to be efficient, to not hang onto things I don’t use. I wish I’d hung onto them because I think I’d like them now.

I still have Rainstorm that starts with thunder and a hard rain that tapers off. At first, the thunder rattled me, but then it occurred to me that this thunder was absolutely safe. I could finally enjoy it without worrying about what damage the accompanying lightning might do. The Mountain Retreat has birds and a breeze and a babbling brook. It also tapers away. I enjoy them both.

What’s different about the DSS and the RC is that the DSS has random sounds, without meaning. I think the goal was a kind of white noise. The RC has sounds I recognize and enjoy. I prefer the latter.

What happens in a silent room, going to sleep? I’m listening… straining to hear… so I’m not caught off guard. My mind races.

What happens in my room with one of the RC CDs? I’m given familiar, natural sounds to listen to. It’s easier to focus on my new mantras. It doesn’t work every time, but it is better. The nights I have trouble are no longer because of spinning thoughts but because my room is too warm.

I’ve had a lot of weird dreams and a few nightmares. I no longer care. I know I need sleep. A nap in the middle of the day happens several times a week to make up for all the times I don’t make it to bed at a reasonable hour. I’m not giving up.

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Responses

  1. Don’t give up a change WILL come. Praying for you…

    • Thank you, Lilka. I truly appreciate your prayers. I know they make a difference.

  2. I recently had out of town company for almost ten days, which ultimately ended up totally rearranging my sleep schedule. After everyone had said their goodbyes, with happy thoughts of our next scheduled visit, then I really had no option but to give myself a couple of days of “sleep recuperation” in that I slept as much as I needed to, in order to allow my natural cycle to kick back into gear again. In this particular instance, it meant spending almost 16 hours in bed one day (broken up in three or four hour increments). Today is day three, and I finally feel almost back to my normal schedule.

    Wonder if you ever give yourself permission to simply sleep as much as your body tells you it wants to sleep. Rather than trying to stick to a mandated schedule, just let the sleep come when it wants to, and the awake hours, whether they are during the day or in the dead of night, always seem to be more productive that way, at least for me. Good luck in finding a happy medium, so that you can find some much-needed rest.

    • I’ve thought about doing that, and have done it to a point. Deadlines and schedules interfere. Even so, I get a little squirrelly without my regular routine. However, it’s been a while. Maybe I need to give it a try again.

    • I allowed myself to sleep this afternoon and ran into why I keep myself tired. Shoot. Fighting against myself. Sleep deprivation is still the best tranquilizer I know.

      I missed my scheduled dinner hour. It didn’t matter because I ate early. Thank you Lunchables. However, when I woke I realized I was low on water. I had to go through the kitchen where NM was cooking, and what does she ask? “Have you had a chance to eat at all today?” Mind you, it’s Thurs, P.croissant day. She was also gone during the first half hour of my lunch time, and I managed to finish before she came home. Her mentioning food is like using sandpaper on an open wound. The rage exploded. The same rage I usually keep banked by being too tired to allow it to flare. Sigh.

      I feel like I’m fighting a hopelessly losing battle.


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