Posted by: Judy | June 26, 2014

Ups and Downs…

I’m tired. Yes, life has been a roller coaster lately. I’m actually not surprised. It’s been busy in a good way and busy in a lousy way.

Books are being written and published. This is awesome. I’m excited about them being out in print, this August. I’ve purchased books for the covers alone, and I love all my covers. I’m proud and honored to be so blessed.

I’m finally able to admit I’ve been a caretaker most of my life. I used to feel uncomfortable saying that I was a caretaker. My folks are reasonably independent. I caught little things. It wasn’t a big deal to me.

Things have changed.

I’m tired.

I was expected to take care of my mother from the time I was a little girl. She was a grown adult. She was very capable in some respects.Β I wasn’t expected to simply take care of her. No, I was expected to make her happy. I was expected to keep her calm. I was expected to make sure all was right in her world so she wouldn’t become hysterical, at any cost.

She expected me to take the punishment for things she’d done wrong. How do I know she did this when I was a child? I watched her blame me for something she’d done very recently. Other people have noticed she does this as well, and yet there are those who still declare her capable of being independent.

I’m endeavoring to sort things in my head. What is me simply venting over little normal things and what is truly insane behavior?

I thought I could work around her mental illness.

I was wrong.

I’m tired.

The only safe thing for me to do is to avoid her. If I could go No Contact, I would.

At this point, dislodging me from my safe routine isn’t an option. Not to me. I have enough on my plate without adding one more thing. Unless my safety is in danger. I am locking my door more. Next year has some possibilities. My books contracts are fewer.

I’m turning my life over to God. He knows what’s going on and what to do. Strangely enough, I do believe I was here for this long for a reason. I’ve learned a bucketload of stuff I would never have learned if I’d left years ago.


Responses

  1. Kind of like digging through a pile of manure cheerfully declaring that with this much manure there must be a pony in here somewhere.

    • Brilliant illustration, Ruth πŸ™‚

      • Love it! πŸ™‚ ((Ruth)) ((Kara))

        • Thank Dr. Banks. He is still a favorite of mine. His videos are on line.

  2. boundaries still need to be honored, whether or not you are in a position to have no contact, and if the coming year might present an opportunity for you to make other living arrangements, then it might help to have that out there as a tentative goal; something you can work towards, that gives you even a chance at a different version of your living circumstances

    even though it may never happen for me, I have an idea of my next road trip mapped out in my head, and sometimes, on those really bad days, I spend some time planning my future adventures; imagining the mountains, and discovering new waterfalls, and watching my dog explore new territory

    these visions of a possible future are sometimes enough to keep me sane

    πŸ™‚

    • A very good idea. I need to work on daydreaming more. Thanks ((ntexas99))

  3. You can’t reason with unreasonable people. Take care of you.

    • Funny how often I’ve said it and make the attempt anyway. I’m done. πŸ™‚


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