I’m making some new friends and find myself attempting to understand what is healthy and what isn’t.
I know I have some narcissistic behaviors. First off, I’m human. Second, I’ve been taught by a master.
I’m working to replace the unhealthy behaviors with healthy behaviors.
One of the questions I’ve been asking myself is:
How do I tell the difference between someone who is self-confident and flawed and someone who is truly narcissistic?
I’ve had a number of friends label some of my other friends as narcissistic. The people they label as narcissistic, I look at as strong willed, self-possessed, and actually they all fall into the ADD realm to one degree or another.
The Project: Me by Judy 
I am asking the same questions. When are the healthy self focused or unhealthy give me what I want or else? More questions than answers right now.
By: Ruth on June 7, 2013
at 8:01 am
We’ll figure it out.
By: Judy on June 8, 2013
at 10:45 am
I think the difference here is that all people, being human, have some narcissistic qualities, but only a few have actual pathologies where the narcissism rules over every part of them and others in their path.
Pathological Ns devour people, they leave you feeling dirty, guilty, used, worthless and empty. I have some self-absorbed friends I love dearly, and although I know we’ll mostly talk about them, I don’t feel used up by it. She also repays the compliments and truly appreciates the attention – and here is another difference – she is satisfied with the attention and appreciative of it, not full of ridicule and lament for my attention not being ever enough.
To put it bluntly, for me, contact or conversation with an N is like mental rape. It leaves you full of self-doubt and takes time to recover your balance.
I know many people casually toss out terms like my mom is such a narc or psycho. I just nod, knowing they really don’t understand the depth of those terms and are describing a trait, not a monster. Again our pasts just make us experts, whether we want this knowledge or not. So it is up to us to understand the point of view of those that don’t know true monsters.
And I think I hear your fear that you are also an N at times. Ns do not recognize hurtful behaviour or look inwards like this, so I can assure you that you are not. Stop hating your own emotions and reactions that make you human. I’m trying to do the same. We’re allowed to experience the entire range of emotions, even the negative ones. That makes us authentic – also something else an N will never be.
By: rootstoblossom on June 7, 2013
at 10:46 am
(((rootstoblossom))) This is VERY helpful!. Thanks for separating them so clearly. It makes more sense. I’m noticing that I need the comparisons in a lot of things. I’ve grown up with unhealthy. I need it set beside healthy and the differences pointed out so I understand the difference.
By: Judy on June 8, 2013
at 10:55 am
I’ve found myself asking the same questions. I think these questions are hard enough when you didn’t grow up as an ACoN, but can be so much more difficult for us. We often don’t know what “normal” looks like, but can see (and be triggered by) narcissistic traits in others. For awhile, I saw narcs everywhere after I first learned about it!
I like a lot about what R2B said above, especially the second paragraph. I think self absorbed people can be difficult, but they are not as completely exhausting as narcissists. I don’t think they suck and bleed you dry until you can’t give any more. If you bring up a hurt feeling or a criticism, they don’t jump all over you and turn the tables.
This has all been difficult for me to sort out too, and I feel for you. Finding the continuum a person fits on, and then finding if we are comfortable dealing with that person can be hard. For me, I’ve kind of come to the conclusion that the only thing that matters is how I feel when I’ve walked away from an interaction. Was it manageable? Was I used or taken advantage of? Do I want to be around this person (or can I tolerate it if need be)? And I think all of those questions are dependent on where we personally are in our healing (combined with the other person’s degree of narcissism).
And just as an aside to the ADD. There is a tricky overlap of symptoms there that can be difficult to separate. All of my narcy in-laws have ADD. And for a LONG time, I excused away their behavior as being just due to that. But, with my MIL, it began to appear as much, much more. Yes, she is self absorbed and has black and white thinking, but she’s also manipulative and passive-aggressive. And she refuses to acknowledge any of these things about herself (even that she has ADD). I guess my point is that narcissism can look a lot like ADD and, in my opinion, overlap a lot too. It can be tricky to sort out.
By: jsrelease@gmail.com on June 7, 2013
at 2:58 pm
More pieces to the puzzle. I recently discovered another way of looking at it: Am I allowed to set and maintain healthy boundaries? Some of the “narcs” will walk all over me if I let them, but it doesn’t bother them if I set and maintain boundaries. Other Narcs need to squash my boundaries and aren’t happy until the job is done.
By: Judy on June 8, 2013
at 11:02 am
I was going to say something along the same lines as RTB, but she explains it very clearly. I have also been thinking about these questions over the last few months since I two of my friends are very self-absorbed and self-centered, but are definitely not narcissistic. Basically the difference I find is that Narcissistic people have an image they want to maintain and they “take” from you to “build” their image (or how RTB very well defined it: “contact or conversation with an N is like mental rape. It leaves you full of self-doubt and takes time to recover your balance.”) I guess the clue is in how you feel afterwards, do you feel like they were a bit draining but still loveable? or do you feel a little less good about yourself and like they have taken from you and now you’re having to spend time “recovering” from having been around them?
By: karabcn on June 8, 2013
at 2:26 am
Yes! I’m noticing too that the length of time makes a difference. I can be around some narcs for a short period of time and thoroughly enjoy my time with them, whereas others even five minutes is too long because they will find a way to diminish me within moments.
By: Judy on June 8, 2013
at 11:04 am
That is a great and relevant question you bring; would agree with RTB and Kara’s response. The recovery time is a good indicator. xxoo TR
By: peersncareers on June 17, 2013
at 7:36 am
The time indicator is a much bigger factor than I realized. Having it pointed out is making a huge difference.
By: Judy on June 17, 2013
at 8:09 am
I think we tend to throw around terms too easily. If we disagree with someone, they’re crazy. If we think someone is too self-involved, they’re narcissists. If someone does something that doesn’t seem to make a lot of sense, we dub them schizophrenic. I think it’s better to leave those terms to the people who are REALLY in that category. You’ve experienced the extremes there, and I think those of us who haven’t experienced it, shouldn’t toss around words we don’t fully understand.
By: PJ on July 1, 2013
at 6:30 am
You’re right about tossing words around. 🙂 I also know it isn’t going to change, so my challenge and responsibility is to learn to recognize what’s healthy and what isn’t… to learn to decide for myself instead of depending on the impressions of others… Thanks for the clarification, PJ!
By: Judy on July 1, 2013
at 6:39 am