Recap making a different choice

Choosing to not be a narcissist, especially when you’re raised by one, is a conscious decision. There were so many times when I could have followed the example I was given. That being said, there was a part of me that simply couldn’t, in the end. Every time I catch myself doing something, like belittling, I drop into a tailspin, horrified that I would pass on that legacy of cruelty.

The only way to break the chains to my past is to make different choices. Gradually, my past is becoming simply what has brought me here, to this moment. I still live with depression, because it’s safer than anger. I sometimes wonder if I’ll ever be truly happy. I don’t know. A few weeks ago, my parents went on vacation. I was left home, alone. This happens every summer. When I had my dog it was a time of celebration, because it was only the two of us. Then my dog passed away, and it was only me. I was terrified. The lessons had been beaten into me about how I wasn’t safe alone. I’d be robbed, raped, and murdered, and it would be my fault for being alone.

This summer was different. I was happy, the whole time. I played music, baked, worked on The Project and my other writing endeavors. I had a few people stop for a visit. I didn’t have to worry about waking anyone. I didn’t have to worry about being in the way. I didn’t have to worry about any questions from out of the blue that I would have to dissect to see if there was some hidden agenda or trap. It was amazing.

If I am going to choose to not be a narcissist, then I must decide what that looks like; otherwise, how will I know if I’m staying true to my new course or not? This could be viewed as positive affirmations, but I prefer to look at them as my stepping stones to a happier, healthier life.

I am honest, even when it isn’t easy or convenient.

I encourage others to succeed.

I am happy with the success of others.

I use anger constructively. It’s a good substitute for fear, especially when trying to accomplish something difficult.

I love unconditionally.

I accept personal responsibility.

I accept criticism that is given with respect, but that doesn’t mean I have to follow through on it.

I respect boundaries.

I make healthy compromises.

I believe fear is a God given gift, there to help me recognize and respond appropriately to danger.

I am courageous.

I recognize that my emotional needs are my responsibility.

I know that “love means never having to say you’re sorry” is a lie.

I know that feeling embarrassed by making a mistake is an opportunity to correct the mistake and apologize.

I have discovered the power of asking.

I know that my time is valuable, like anyone’s.

I feel shame when I have compromised my integrity, and will take steps to shore up my integrity.

I endeavor to nurture healthy relationships, for myself and others.

I am honorable.

I am aware of those around me.

I am patient.

I am respectful.

I am faithful.

I am loving.

I am trusting.

I am prayerful.

I have a sense of humor.

I am helpful, including sharing that if you don’t like the new FaceBook format, you can change it back by going to Account, down to language, and then change it from English (US) to English (UK). Unfortunately, upon awakening, I’ve discovered that UK has also been turned to the dark side. However, the English (Pirate) is kind of fun.

I play favorites: Italian food, Rocky Road ice cream, Chocolate Chip cookies, Romance novels, dogs, horses, mainstream music, walking on the beach, a cabin in the mountains, gardens…