Posted by: Judy | September 7, 2021

Life Changes

I’m in mourning, for everything. God has blown up my world on numerous occasions, forcing me to start over, but home was always constant. God has never so thoroughly blown up my world. Blessedly, I have supportive people who love me. Thank you.

I’m struggling to understand how I feel. I was my dad’s caregiver for over four years. I helped with my mom for years before that. I stopped daydreaming about my future, years ago, because God kept changing my plans. The only time I dared look forward to anything were short trips to Cali to visit friends a few times a year when I was still a medical transcriptionist and then attending a Lord of the RIngs event with friends, in Kentucky, in 2017 and 2019, a week of peace and laughter. Thanks. I’m sadly pretty sure I won’t be able to attend the next ALEP.

I don’t know anything about what my future will bring. The house has to be sold. I have to give away or sell most of what I own because 60 years won’t fit into whatever I can afford next.

I’ve made a lot of mistakes and stupid decisions, but I’ve always endeavored to follow Jesus.

So many people are trying to help me to move forward now, and I don’t want any of them to think I don’t appreciate it. Especially when I don’t follow through on their advice or am really slow. Everyone wants me to do what I want to do, to make my own choices unfettered, to be free.

I’ve been begging God to help me understand, and this came to mind, the other morning: An animal rescue group found a dog who’d been tied to a stove it’s whole life. They expected it to be so happy to be free. They were shocked when the dog didn’t run around free but curled up next to the stove.

My central purpose, my whole life, has been to be a caregiver. I’ve been blessed with other opportunities, but caregiver has always been the underlying responsibility. Now, it isn’t. I’ve known only one home. It’s being sold. Where do I want to live? I don’t know. What do I want to do? I don’t know. I want to return to my writing but understand the problems with supporting myself. Please be patient with me as I struggle to learn a host of things I don’t understand and try to build a new life.

For those who wonder, yes, I keep asking God what do I do? So far, the only answer is a thought about the next thing to add to my pile of things to give away and these gentle words, “Do the next thing. Let go of the next thing.”


Responses

  1. I am praying for you, my friend. I wish that I could help in some way. I can only imagine how hard all of this is on you. ❤

    • Thank you. I appreciate the prayers; I know God hears and answers. ❤

  2. Ah, that is a more than difficult place to be, loss and change coming at you all at once with no clear guidebook or pathway to how to navigate it all. “Do the next thing, let go of the next thing” seems like the closest thing to it. Praying that you can feel the sunshine again soon.

    • Thank you so much for the prayers and comforting words.

  3. You will be on my prayer wheel starting tonight.

    • Thank you so much. I know it makes a difference. ❤

  4. Oh…. this breaks my heart. I am praying.

    • Prayer is powerful. Thank you.


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