Posted by: Judy | March 2, 2021

Post on SM

I spent much of my life struggling with lies hidden within truths. I would make leaps of understanding and then fall back down to the bottom of the barrel. I understood that I’d skipped vital steps, but I couldn’t figure out where I went wrong. I only knew I’d missed something. My third counselor, without intending to do so, forced me to face the myriad lies in my life. This won’t work for everyone, but it worked for me: He gave me “Toxic Parents” by Dr. Susan Forward to read. At the beginning of the book, she lists a series of questions. If you answer “yes” to any of the questions, the book may help you. The very first question asked if you were called names. My first thought, without hesitation was “Oh, no, that never happened in our house. It wasn’t allowed.” On the heels of that answer I heard in my head “Crabby Appleton Rotten to the Core,” a nickname given to me as a little girl. I cried. I was well into my 40s and I still lied to myself first. I closed the book and set it aside. How was I to gain anything from those pages if I couldn’t be honest with something so simple? It was six months before I was able to pick up the book again. I read each question, slowly, methodically, requiring I pause before I answered. (I needed those six months to practice not responding immediately but giving myself time to think.) I read through the list and had answered yes to every single question. If I wanted to heal, I had to stop lying, especially to myself. God blessedly guided me every step of the way, even when I didn’t realize He was there.

~ Laurel Hawkes


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