Posted by: Judy | October 6, 2020

SM series Step 3

Unbeknownst to me, owning a dog was a step toward counseling. I would do for her what I would not do for myself. I protected her. No one was allowed to call her names or imply she was stupid. My first counselor was found through work. My employer had a program, part of my insurance, that paid for eight sessions. We only touched briefly on what happened with one of my abusers. I still lived in the land of make believe where things were more awful in my head than they really were. If I just learned to be more humble, more flexible, more compassionate, less self-centered, then everything would be fine. I wasn’t ready to tackle that lie yet. I still thought of myself as lazy, useless. Not long after that, I had to leave my employment because of tendonitis. I’d been taking classes, one every semester; anything I wanted, to keep learning. I had one semester left to finish my AAS. I was in my 30s. I was too stupid to be any kind of real student. The lies were still thick and heavy. I left my job and signed up for my final semester at the same time I was diagnosed with chronic fatigue. Maybe I wasn’t lazy but just really, really tired. That little truth didn’t help. Step 3 : Keep taking the next step, whatever it is.

~ Laurel Hawkes


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