Posted by: Judy | December 17, 2019

Lost it…

I’ve worked hard to learn to control my temper. I’m not proud of losing it. Why am I sharing here? Someone out there needs to know they aren’t the only one who messes up, and it isn’t the end of the world.

My father was once again commenting on someone’s weight gain.

I yelled at him to stop, shouting that I was sick of hearing about weight, snapping at him that he and mother placed too much importance on appearance. “And you wonder why I’m fat.”

He later apologized for upsetting me. He completely missed the point.

What my parents taught me:

*The first thing they notice is gender: Males are worthy of notice.

*Next is appearance and what they consider prestige, fat or skinny, beautiful/handsome or flawed, a high rank or position, financially well off but not too well off.

*The state of your soul doesn’t matter as long as you come across alright.

*Because I’m fat and my face is scarred, I can’t be lovable.

They would say that they love me, but how could I believe them? I didn’t and don’t meet any of the standards they valued.

I asked myself, “Why did you stay in this insanely abusive situation?”

Sigh.

Every time I asked God what step to take next, I always had the strong impression to hold to my current path. I’ve held. I’d make plans to move, and my plans would fall through. I’d make plans for a job that made more money and my plans would fall through. I’d ask God, and He’d whisper, “You are where you need to be right now. Be still.”

I’m not good at being still. One of my nicknames was teetering snipe. My brain teeters, too. God keeps saying, “Be still.” I keep failing and trying again.

I stopped asking, for a long time. Granted, I made occasional, half-hearted attempts to ask God, “What next?” But I confess I’ve grown weary of “Be still.”

I don’t remember the last time I asked. What’s the point? Nothing’s changing, except for my options narrowing. And I’m still not good at “Be still.”

Some doors have come my way that I’ve walked through without asking God. They were never doors that would take me further away, just a change of pace, like going to Kentucky. I figured as long as it didn’t take me away from God or the path He set me on, then why not embrace the opportunity?

An example of how much I struggle with “Be still”: On my morning walks, I talk to God. If I don’t receive an immediate response, be it peace of mind or a thought about what to do, I count, each step. Counting fills the painful silence. Counting helps me focus on one thing, the next number. I count a lot. I never noticed that before.

It’s been almost a week and all is back to normal, so to speak. I’ve learned a few things about myself. I understand better my over-the-top reaction to comments about weight. I prefer thinking about story to counting. Having a blank mind terrifies me. I have to fill it. I try to fill it with good.


Responses

  1. You are enough. (This is a lesson I’ve just recently learned, from a not-so-well written book called Ultimate Confidence–but the message and growth are worth the reading. Give it a go, it could change your life.)

    • Thank you, Susan. I’ve added the book to my TBR list. ā¤

      • No problem. It’s helped me so much in the last few weeks. I hope it does as much for you as it has for me.

        • I’m looking forward to reading it. šŸ™‚


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