Posted by: Judy | October 16, 2019

Reflecting

On Saturday, at breakfast, I talked to my sister about how my life is a mess and out of control and full of potholes.

She looked at me and said, “You’re reading your scriptures every day.”

“Well, yeah.”

She gave me The Look: Think about what was said and take it to the conclusion we’ve made to each other repeatedly.

The lightbulb lit. I read my scriptures, and the world blows up.

A frequent meme is something along the lines about “be as devoted to God during the good times as during the bad times” and how people only turn to God during the bad times.

This has not been something with which I’ve struggled. In my life, I read my scriptures every day. My life was a mess. I noticed a pattern. I’d be good about reading my scriptures, going to church, obeying all the commandments to the best of my ability, and my world would explode. I’d become overwhelmed by everything and would stop reading. The world would mellow. Over the years, I made a habit of not reading my scriptures because every time I’d start to make it a habit my world would blow up again. Everything would go wrong.

I felt guilty for skipping my reading, so I’d try to find a work around that wouldn’t end in disaster. One of my plans to avoid the upheaval, and yet obey the admonition to read God’s Word, was to keep it short. I’d read a verse a day. It worked, for a while. Then life would blow up, and I’d figure I’d done something wrong.

I’d stop reading, and life would smooth out. I know some of you have already figured it out. I was slow.

I also faced the obstacle of having been raised to believe that smooth was a sign that you were following God’s will. What a stupid thing to teach.

I made a lot of mistakes based on choosing the smooth, turmoil-free path. Not to mention it contradicted what I knew about life: Life happens. However, I was determined to follow what I’d been taught, which was also stupid considering all the lies.

One of the problems with abuse is how it turns you inside out and upside down, and you spend your life trying to right your world. It’s a battle because you frequently don’t know what inside in or upside up looks like. When you do learn it feels wrong, for a ridiculously long time, because it’s so different from what you grew up in.

Another struggle for abused children is that we are constantly trying to juggle what we’re taught is true, what we know are lies, what we don’t know, what we’re learning, what we’re changing, what we’re stumbling over, and what we don’t know and know we don’t know. No wonder we’re always dropping balls and constantly feel like failures.

It only took over 50 years, but I finally figured out that the adversary reveled in discouraging me from reading my scriptures, the Word of God. As long as the adversary could keep me ignorant, he could twist the truth and sow lies day in and day out.

Horrors! I made a new plan. The goal to have a daily personal devotional was me declaring, “Lord, I’m all in, no matter what.”

The adversary is not happy.

GOOD.

My world has blown up. However, with all the previous explosions, the adversary hasn’t left himself much to destroy. The mess is hardly noticeable.

I keep moving forward. I keep trying. I keep falling and getting back up again. I keep reading the scriptures and praying and going to church (when I feel well enough). I keep working to trust God and praising Him in the storm.

 


Responses

  1. Thank you for always being so honest and open. Your transparency helps me to realize some things from my own life that I never put together before. Praise God for He is always gently nudging us in the right direction and He never gives up on us!

    • Amen. ❤

  2. Clearly the enemy doesn’t want you reading the Word every day.
    I just wanted to suggest a perspective that you may not have considered before. Have you ever noticed how whenever some activity is mandatory, we instantly want to do it less?
    For example, I’ve told myself that I have to write a blog every week, and immediately my enthusiasm plummeted.
    It’s a weakness we humans have, but somehow we have to fight through it…

    • Or you’re headed back to your room to clean it, and your parent says, “Clean your room.” And now you don’t want to clean it. 😀 Contradictory souls that we are. 😉 Learning to do better. 🙂

      • Exactly! So glad you get what I’m saying. : )


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