Posted by: Judy | September 23, 2019

Drawing a blank…

I want to share something inspiring. I know Mondays are tough for a lot of people. As a writer, one day is pretty much like another, except for the little routine changes: Church on Sunday, grocery day, walking with my sister on Saturday.

Fall is here, for which I’m grateful. I love autumn, and I’m so grateful people share their pictures of the changing leaves. A new meme is going around: Trees are about to show us how beautiful it can be to let go.

The holiday season really starts with the first day of fall and doesn’t slow down until after Easter. I don’t know why, but Autumn feels like a holiday all season long, the world all dressed up in orange, gold, brown, and red.

Any new routine I start is great for the first few weeks. And then I grow bored with the repetition, which is interesting, considering how much I depend on routines to help me manage the symptoms of CPTSD. I was never officially diagnosed. Blessedly. My counselor didn’t want me to fixate on a label. I’ve managed to work through many of the symptoms. My anxiety isn’t as bad. I hardly have any flashbacks anymore. I only occasionally have nightmares. I haven’t lost track of where I am in a recipe in a long time. I’m not as forgetful. Maybe finding repetitiveness boring is a healthy sign. Maybe I’ve enough repetitiveness that adding more is mind numbing.

My healthy habits are improving, step by step. Why do I feel like I’m behind the eight ball anyway?

Oh. Writing. I’m doing well in so many areas. I’m improving in a variety of aspects of my life. My writing is better, as in more mature and skilled. The sensation of beating my head against the wall is the slowness of my writing. I’m aware of the swift passage of time. I attempt to better schedule my writing time, and life happens.

I need to change my attitude. I’m working on it. Why do I feel like I’m struggling? Could it be as simple as the fact that I have no boxes to check off? I haven’t figured out a tangible way to measure my improvement. Without a solid goal, how do I know I’ve succeeded? What would a solid goal even look like?


Responses

  1. “My anxiety isn’t as bad. I hardly have any flashbacks anymore. I only occasionally have nightmares. I haven’t lost track of where I am in a recipe in a long time. I’m not as forgetful.” – Praise God for this glorious progress! It’s really wonderful that you can look back and see this!

    Regarding your dilemma though, I know what you mean. I can be the same way. The answer that came to mind was that we need the peace that surpasses all understanding. No matter what our day looks like, if we did or didn’t accomplish what we set out to do for that day – we should still be resting in peace, knowing that we are right where God wants us, knowing we are making progress even when we take baby steps. Jesus said He was leaving us His peace, but it can be difficult to hold onto that in our world. 💜

    • Amen. ❤


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