Posted by: Judy | August 26, 2019

Nattering in my head…

I’ve often beaten myself up for going over the same things, again and again. Why can’t I let go of so many things?

By rehashing, I’m learning to trim away what didn’t matter as much as I thought. I’ve learned to recognize the deeper problems I’d glossed over because the surface stuff was easier to focus on.

An example: I’ve relived my mother’s cruel statements about men not marrying someone as heavy as me or with a face as scarred as mine. Painful. I’ve always focused on the details. Last week, everything changed.

The words are still unkind. However, by focusing on the details, I was stuck in the brutal attack on my self image. Some have been more than willing to say, “Get over it. Move on.” I’m glad I didn’t listen to them.

As I’ve struggled with my ear infection, I’ve come to accept that as much as I say I’m learning to take care of myself I still struggle terribly. I am eating better than ever before in my life. I’m more consistent about my workouts than ever before in my life. I’m better at consistent sleeping habits than ever before in my life.

A dear friend is struggling with self worth, and I sent a message about how in the Bible God told Jeremiah that He knew him before he was made in his mother’s womb. Ninety-five verses in the Bible refer to how we are fearfully and wonderfully made. That’s me God’s talking about. That’s everyone.

Light Bulb: I realized that I know Whose I am, but I don’t value who I am.

The attack on my appearance attacked my sense of self-worth. Weight can be lost and scars can be covered, but the damage to my soul wasn’t about the weight or the scars. My mother deemed me unacceptable, and I embraced her definition. I know, a mistake, but a child wants the approval of their parents, the primary people in a person’s life for years.

By focusing on the weight and scars, I could fluff off the stupid comments and I avoided the soul-deep pain of being rejected by my primary caregiver. My other primary caregiver never contradicted the other. The pain I was ignoring was the rejection by people who were supposed to love me, who said they loved me, who told other people they loved me.

That pain of rejection has been niggling and nattering and nagging, and I’ve been ignoring it, pretending it wasn’t there because it hurt too much.

I can’t change them. I can’t change what they’ve done. I can’t change the hurt. I never meant to embrace their definition, but I can choose to define myself differently from now on.

This isn’t going to be easy. How you think of yourself isn’t something you can turn on and off like a light switch. I’m not sure how I’m going to go about making this change but having a new direction is a start.

I don’t know if I’ll stop replaying those ugly words in my head, but I think perhaps my own sense of hitting a dead end will finally diminish and disappear. I choose. I decide. Not easy, but nothing worth doing is. Practice.


Responses

  1. Powerful post, Judy. The words we hear, words that attack us, often do far more damage than a physical beating. At least those wounds heal on the outside. The wounds on the inside remain, and even if they are scabbed over, often have the scab knocked off and bleed more intensely than ever.

  2. I have lots to say but nothing organized into anything coherent. I can relate. Deeply. Being a human is hard work. ❤

    • Yes, it is. ❤

  3. You have my sympathy about your Mother’s comments. My Mother did not have negative things to say about my appearance just about everything that mattered to me , my choices in life and the things I thought worth pursuing in life. It took me some time to break free from that but what a wonderful freedom it was once I did. You are on the right track to your freedom I think.

    • Sad that the person who should have cheered us most chose not to do so. It’s encouraging to meet others who made it through. Thank you! ❤

      • On we go. Sometimes I think my Mother’s comments and attitude made me a stronger person and more determined to carry on regardless of what she said.

        • And perhaps more compassionate, choosing to not pass along the unkindness. 🙂

          • I have done my very best with my own children to raise them without that . I think I have succeeded as they have boht grown up to be empathetic adults .

  4. I love this post! Such truth here! And something most of us can relate to. You are right, it won’t be easy. But if you are consistent and “take every thought captive” you will get there. And hopefully going through The Redeemed Challenge in September will help fill your thoughts with the right things! Sending you love! 💜

    • Looking forward to the challenge. 🙂 ❤


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