Posted by: Judy | July 9, 2019

Envy

Envy and jealousy have never been things with which I’ve struggled. When others do well I’m happy for them. I have wished that I could enjoy some of the same blessings, fit for me, but I’ve never wished I could have what they do instead of them.

It’s always been a relief that I was spared the affliction of this particular sin. Until now. I met someone’s dog. I didn’t just want a dog for myself, too, I wanted this dog.

I’m mortified to learn I’m so petty. The depth and breadth of shame heaped on my head has multiplied every time I’d think about this dog. I’m disappointed in myself. Acknowledging my problem didn’t make it go away. I’m bitterly disappointed in myself.

This attitude and these feelings are nowhere near Christ like. I’ve been struggling with my self-worth, and this is crushing.

After a few days of sitting with those thoughts and feelings, blessedly, I was able to come to terms with the situation. The dog is where she needs to be, and if God wanted me to have a dog, He would arrange it.

I confessed my feelings to my sister, and she helped me see something I hadn’t before:

In the movie “Facing the Giants,” the main couple has spent years trying to have a baby. After another crushing negative result, the woman stops to pray and tells God that she will love Him anyway. This scene had a huge impact on me from the first time I saw it and every time after. I remember thinking, “I want to be like her.”

In a flash of insight (thanks God), I realized I am.

I look back on my life and all the things I’ve dreamed and hoped for and that ended up on the rubbish heap. Each time, I’d say, “Okay, God, what next?” What’s the next step? I didn’t see that each time I was also saying, “God, I love You anyway and will do what You want me to do, whatever it is.”


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