Posted by: Judy | June 24, 2019

Excellent Video

My sister shared this video on her “We Are One” blog. Richard Grannon, SpartanLifeCoach, shared a 30-minute video, “Cure CPTSD.” I’ve subscribed to his YouTube page.

I need to listen to this a few times.

My second counselor accused me of making everything a pizza. She demanded I stop glomming everything together and start separating things out. I’m not sure she realized how difficult that was for me. Maybe she did.

In any case, it was also difficult to listen to Richard Grannon describe the world in which I was raised. However, the most difficult was about the negative tape. I’ve discussed it here on this blog.

He stated that every time his negative tape turned on, he stopped and, using his phone as a timer, would talk positively to himself for five minutes.

I thought I was doing so well.

Routines are helpful; they are also problematic. Routines help me remember what comes next. Routines also become so automatic it’s easy to become mindless, unaware.

After watching the video, I became aware of how often the negative tape turns on. The difference is that instead of shouting at me like it used to, it plays softly in the background. I’m mostly unaware of it. I attempted the five minute pep talks and discovered I was falling into a constant recitation of positive words, except when I was involved in something that takes my full attention.

Here’s the problem: Abuse survivors often divide their attention. A part of your attention is always alert for danger.

I realized that a tiny part of my attention was almost constantly diverted by the negative tape. It’s frustrating to feel like you’ve left something in the past only to realize it’s still taking up way too much real estate in my head. Something to add to my goal list.

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