Posted by: Judy | April 29, 2019

I’ve had worse days…

…I’ve also had better days. To destroy all illusions that I’m overly optimistic and always happy, I had a lousy day, after a lousy night.

I hate falling on my face in God’s eyes, but I do it, regularly. I even compounded it by going shopping at Holy Clothing and spending money I don’t actually have. (It’ll work out. I just caused some financial stress I didn’t need to, but it’s a lousy day. That’s my excuse.)

I’ve been working on improving my sleeping habits. I’m succeeding. Yay. It also means my self-induced sleep-deprivation tranquilizer is totally sabotaged.

I don’t like being angry, but I hate crying more.

I want to eat, but I’ve done my job too well in learning to eat healthier. Stupid healthier habits.

I’m making a lot of personal changes that don’t affect anyone else but kick my anxiety into high gear. I’m tired of being a slave to my fear, so I’m saying, “No excuses. Shut up. Buck up. Suck it up.” Which doesn’t mean the anxiety has taken a hike. It hasn’t. I’m just fighting it all the time now.

A part of me is resentful and throwing a tantrum and another part of me is cheering wildly. No, I’m not a multiple and I don’t have a split personality.

I was raised with lies and horrific habits, and I’m having a tough time kicking them to the curb in favor of truth and healthy habits.

Yes, I noticed all the I… I… I… I… I… I hate that too. Right now, I feel like I hate everything. I know I don’t, but I really want to sit in a corner and sulk.

However, there isn’t time. I also know it’s really stupid, because it’s pointless, which makes it difficult for me to stay mad. It’s hard to be mad when you’re laughing at yourself.


Responses

  1. As I read your message there is a rain storm with loud thunder. God hears you, hang in there, miracles are happening in your life, you will see.

  2. Hugs….this is why I am not ready to give up sleep deprivation. Heavy sigh. Know that flat on your face or a dead run you are loved. ❤

    • (((Ruth))) ❤

  3. Peace to you, my friend!

    • Thank you, kindly, Jeff.


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