Taking an Honest Look

#canthurtme I’ve talked about choosing David Goggins as one of my mentors before. As I read his book, my decision was re-affirmed. I read about his drug of choice being food and knew he understood my battle.

I had to acknowledge that I’m not a stress eater. I overeat for three reasons: To hide, to stuff emotions, and to help me stay awake.

As I looked in the mirror, really looked, I said aloud:

I accept you as you are.

You are fat.

You have the power to change that.

That last sentence is life changing because I finally believe it. Actually, I finally believe the first sentence, too. Okay, I finally believe the whole statement. Go me!

I’ve stepped onto a path that’s waited for me for a long time. I thought about this blog and my original intention: The things I wish I’d known about before starting counseling.

What I’ve come to understand:

I wasn’t ready to hear a lot of the things I needed to know, like the above. I could admit I was overweight, but it was a struggle to say I was fat. I didn’t accept myself. I felt guilty and stupid and weak. I’d tried to change and failed, over and over.

The path to where I am now has been long and difficult. I’ve stumbled a lot, fallen a lot, been stuck a lot. I’m not where I want to be, yet. However, I’m headed in the direction I want to go and know it. What I’ve needed to help me move forward has appeared as I was ready to receive it.

The last few years, I’ve been thinking about how the Bible promises that in accepting Jesus I can become a new creature in Christ. I’ve wanted to be a new person but felt like I was repeatedly dragged back into old habits.

David Goggins talked about having similar troubles. God sent someone who is able help me from where I am right now move to where I want to be next.

Jesus wiped the slate clean, softened my heart, and shed light on the gifts He is offering. He wants me to succeed and knows best what will help me. I’m placing my trust in His guidance, whoever He chooses to lead. I trust He will always prepare a way. I am grateful He uses amazing people to help me and that He helps me recognize those people.

I’ll tell you a secret. I could not have accepted David as a guide thirty years ago. I shunned cuss words and frowned on those who didn’t control their use of foul language. After owning a horse (and having one step on my foot) I’ve relaxed a lot about language. It still makes me a little squirmy, but David’s colorful language isn’t a hinderance now.

Last July’s bouquet. I just realized how fuzzy the picture is. Still pretty.