Posted by: Judy | March 19, 2019

And another lie revealed…

I told my high school boyfriend what my limits were in our physical relationship. He respected those limits, for a short time, and then would push past them, proud of himself for “working” me around to his way of thinking. I’d cave, for a while, and then I’d set the limits again. In the boys’ locker room, among his friends, he called me the Ice Queen. He had no idea. The more he pushed, the icier I became. I had lines I would not cross, and I discovered I had a core of steel.

What I acknowledged: I hated myself for being weak. The longer the tug of war went on the more I hated myself. I already loathed myself for being weak, allowing myself to be molested as a child. That’s where I was in my head. Abusers cultivate that state of mind. The depths to which I was willing to dive were deep.

What I didn’t acknowledge: I hated him.

How was what I felt for him any different than what I felt for my abusers? I wasn’t allowed to hate them either. They professed they loved me, so I had to love them, too. No matter what they did.

The good news is that I don’t hate them anymore. It takes too much energy.

Consequences remain. I fight a constant, daily battle to not judge others by the standard set by my abusers. It isn’t difficult if there are no reminders, no similarities. It’s problematic when someone reminds me of them.

With God’s help, and the counselors He put in my path, I’m mostly able to treat people with respect regardless of the reminders. I’ve also learned to listen to the warning signals.

Hopefully, I will finally let this all go. More likely, God has another step for me to take to healing that I’ve yet to see. Giving the battle to God and praising Him in the storm.


Responses

  1. In that situation, Ice Queen is a great name!

    • LOL! Thanks, Jeff!

  2. Ice Queen sounds like a good title for someone holding on to what they believe to be right. I have been called something similar myself when I was younger. “Frigid Queen” was my title.

    • I never considered it might be a title of honor, not in my boyfriend’s eyes, but certainly in my desire to hold to what I believed to be right. It’s an honor to be in the company of another queen. Thank you for re-enforcing the different perspective Jeff offered.


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