Posted by: Judy | February 26, 2019

Self-Sabotage

Be Inspired posted “Sabotaging Yourself?”

https://dyandiamond.net/2019/02/13/sabotaging-yourself/

And there I was, recognizing myself.

Something at which I excel. I was trained well. The person in charge of being my primary caretaker (PC) abused me, set me up to be abused, and enjoyed hurting me. I learned so well, if she wasn’t around, I carried out the punishment on my own. Insane. I know. Also a common problem for abuse survivors. Being removed from the abuse is only the beginning of healing.

The PC mastered the art of sucking the joy out of life. I’m not being overly dramatic. It was one of those things I decided to test to see if I was being overly sensitive. I came into the kitchen happy to share some good news, anticipating what would happen, but it went much further than I expected. PC immediately found a negative in my happy news. I allowed the hurt to show. PC then found a positive, to cheer me up. PC then found another negative. PC smiled through the whole roller coaster ride. Lesson learned. I became Switzerland around PC, neutral. Drove PC crazy. The lengths to which PC would go to elicit a response from me beyond neutral was staggering. Compliments were off the charts and criticism was brutal. I remained Switzerland and maintained my sanity.

However, PC has been out of my orbit for a few years, and I’m still struggling to not suck the joy out of life.

Fun is one of my gifts I want to give myself. Not easy to do when I manage to make fun more like work.

Perfect example: My herbal tea is supposed to be a pleasant and healthy start and end to the day. Like so many things I intend for fun, I manage to regiment into a chore that must be accomplished and shame on me for the times I fail. *pfft*

Practice continues.


Responses

  1. You can escape, but some of the memories never completely leave. May you be Spain in your dancing, Italy in your zest for life, American in your enjoyment, English in your style, and Israel in your depth!

    • What a delightful sentiment! Thank you! God bless, Jeff.


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