Posted by: Judy | February 19, 2019

No More Hurt Button

The no-more-hurt button doesn’t exist. One of my favorite quotes is from The Princess Bride:

Life is pain. Anyone you tells you differently is trying to sell you something.

The first time I watched the movie, I hated the line. Until I acknowledged the truth of the line.

Romance novels promise love that doesn’t hurt. Quotes claim that love doesn’t hurt. People complain, “When will it stop hurting?”

Lies and deception. Love hurts, unlike anything else. The hurting never stops in this life. Here’s what no one wants to consider:

Hurt is not a bad thing. It isn’t evil.

Those who cause hurt may be evil. Sometimes people do stupid stuff. Welcome to the human race of infinite imperfection. Expecting people to be perfect is inhumane.

Side tangent: Yes, Jesus commands us to be perfect. However, if you do a little research into the original word, before translation into English, perfect doesn’t mean flawless; it means complete.

Onward.

What hurt means: You care enough about someone to notice their slights and digs. Something is wrong, like you’re sick or injured. You miss someone because you love them.

In the way of God’s humor, right after I wrote the above, I experienced “I don’t want to hurt anymore.” Thanks, God. *eye roll* Sometimes, my sense of humor doesn’t blend well with His.

However, it gave me an opportunity to examine my hurt feelings.

What I discovered:

I’m not particularly good at handling hurt if it seems meaningless, senseless, or hits above my tolerance level. On the other hand, I can handle the hurt if I’m able to see some purpose behind it.

One of the SEAL mantras is “Embrace the suck.”

People are often porcupines. Accidents happen. Evil is running rampant.

One of the guarantees of life is that you will be hurt.

Some hurt should be rejected, like bullying. However, a lot of hurts need to be embraced instead of pushed away. Ignoring the broken leg doesn’t help it end up in a cast in order to heal.

Too much time and energy was spent singing, “Do what feels good!”

Feelings lie. Encouraging feelings to rule the day encourages making lying an art form. Instead, what needs to be taught is mastery. The world sings praises for those who master educational skills. Universities and colleges all laud mastering academia. Where is the accolade for mastering self?

I grew up in a home where I was expected to make my primary caregivers happy. I was expected to be a buffer. I was expected to make their lives smooth and easy. Where was the expectation for them to accept responsibility for themselves, their feelings?

It is within the ranks of first the SEAL community and now other military communities that I’m learning to understand and grasp the power of self-discipline. Self-discipline isn’t only about eating healthy, sleeping adequately, exercising, learning, and working. It’s about acknowledging my feelings and mastering them.

Mastering my feelings doesn’t mean burying my feelings or allowing them to wander higgledy-piggledy. Mastering my feelings means accepting them and responding appropriately. Mastering means embracing my feelings but not allowing them to rule me.

Avoiding the hurt doesn’t make it go away. Avoiding the hurt adds insult to injury. When I ignore my hurt I essentially tell myself that my pain isn’t worth acknowledging or helping. How cruel and at the same time silly is that?

I’m learning.


Responses

  1. Hum… “avoiding the hurt.” I guess I have a different way of looking at things. Sometimes I think you are not “avoiding the hurt,” you are “focusing on it,” and because of this it will never go away. There comes a point in life that we have to CHOOSE happiness and not continue to relive sorrows. My mother taught me this.

    She taught me that our mind will always want to go to the negative. However, we can put the negativity in our mind in a certain compartment and we close the door. Whenever the door starts to open, meaning we are focusing on bad things from the past, we CHOOSE to close that door, because we are FOCUSING on life as it is NOW. We SLAM the door shut.

    My mother said we all have sorrows, she is an extremely happy person. She said she was that way, because every day she would CHOOSE not to focus on the past hurts… we cannot change the past, but as adults we choose our present and future path in life. We must FOCUS on what we want… and staying in “doom and gloom mood,” she said does us a dis-service and makes our body and mind ill.

    Anyhow… I was always taught to focus on the positive. At first, it is hard work doing this, but after a while, we ONLY know positivity and as soon as we are with someone who is negative all the time, we start to see how that negativity affects our health.

    Give this some thought… if you went to a meeting and you were sitting at a table with two people. One who was sparkly and happy and another who only spoke of sorrows, WHICH person would you CHOOSE to continue talking to if you were asked to pick a partner for the day?

    I hope you don’t see my sharing as “lecturing,” that is not the case. However, if I get up in the morning and I am reading different Blog posts, I feel sad when I read yours lately and THINK, JUDY is a positive happy and beautiful person… I’ve read those posts that are happy. I’m sad to see her suffering. Let’s turn this around. It’s ONLY February, would love to hear how her novellas are going, has she found a new publisher, what exciting things are going on, etc.

    I’m job searching… it’s HARD, but every day I have to NOT go into a hole, I have to stay positive, have FAITH and KNOW that SOON I will have a break through. Sharing positive stories is how we keep each other motivated. In fact, someone shared some new job websites with me — Hallelujah! It’s going to be a GREAT day.

    I wish you a FABULOUS day!! You’ve got this, JUDY! Deep down, you are sparkly and happy! Look forward to seeing your palm tree photo with sunshine. I could use that view!

    I am off to write another cover letter… wish me luck! With each one, I hope it is the break through I have been praying for. ONE MORE NO, BRINGS US CLOSER TO A “YES!”

    • You’re right; I am a positive person. Having said that, it’s been a rough few weeks. I agree with putting the past in the past; the difficulty is having to live with the repeated slights and digs every day. Sometimes I can let being an extension of my father in his eyes roll off my back; other times, it isn’t as easy. Several people have inadvertently reminded me that with my parents my first mistake was being born a girl. My father knows he’s only able to live at home because I’m here, and he’s grateful; however, the years of thoughtlessness still take over, along with ignoring healthy boundaries.

      I’m also trying to stay positive with the central heating out of commission, almost a week now with some temps dipping to freezing, not usually for this time of year, but not a regular thing either. A family friend has been searching for the necessary parts to fix the relic of a heating system. My father gripes and complains about it not happening faster, and I’m reminding him that our friend has had to have parts shipped from out of state. As I fight to remain positive, he grumbles and complains. I’m also have to keep track of what he does because sometimes it’s dangerous, like turning on the oven and leaving the door open. Sometimes I’m able to bob along above water, and some days, I’m just too tired.

      Adding to the frustration is my inability to figure out what to do with chapter 28. I’ve a bit of dialogue that I feel is forced. I don’t know if I should cut it or rearrange it. I’ve been fighting with it for three weeks now. I feel like I’m banging my head against the wall, which also dampens my cheery disposition. 🙂

      • Well, before you go to bed tonight, write down that you are having trouble with Chapter 28 and that you need answers and you need them quick! If you focus on this, then I bet answers will come to you in the morning. Regarding your Dad… if you could move and be on your own, you’d be able to move on from the past. It’s hard when you are still living with the people who have hurt you.I’m sad about this for you. I just lit a candle at St. Jude, he will answer prayers. Continue to stay positive, miracles always happen and special surprises that put is in a new direction in life. 😦

        • Yesterday, I discovered a missing paragraph. Once I put it back in, I was able to move forward. As to moving, I’m my dad’s caregiver. Thank you for your thoughtfulness. ❤


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Categories

%d bloggers like this: