Posted by: Judy | December 26, 2018

I made it through…


A week before Christmas, I went grocery shopping. I was feeling a bit frazzled. Lots of people wanting to get together, while I wanted to withdraw. I know, the tenses are all wrong, constantly changing. Isaiah writes that way (weird side note).

I’d found the last item on my list and who should pass me but Santa! I was pleasantly surprised. I continued to the checkout. Guess who stepped into line behind me… Santa! Beard, glasses, red suit, black boots and belt. Brilliant.

I talk to people in line. I do. Until that moment. I was so rattled I forgot to give the cashier my coupons. I couldn’t look at him. As I said, I was feeling out of sorts and after that I was feeling more out of sorts. I wanted to cry as I drove to my next errand.

What I wanted? I wanted a closer look at the costume. I wanted to do what I usually do, smile, acknowledge he was there. I was disappointed in myself.

I know some people will see my distress as silly. I’m endeavoring to recognize that it is a warning sign that I’m not handling the season as well as I’d hoped, let alone pretended. It was one more disappointment.

I wanted to decorate for Christmas. I wanted to put up my tree the day after Thanksgiving. I wanted to bake for Christmas and share with the neighbors. I wanted to buy a few gifts for a few people. I wanted to enjoy Christmas movies, but none of the ones on television were about Christmas, except as a setting for mostly poor storytelling. I wanted to be involved in a number of events. I wanted to publish another Holiday, USA, novella.

It’s the day after, and I’m relieved it’s over. I don’t want to do it this way again. Next year, I want to choose differently.

Here’s what bothered me the most about the Santa encounter, which is what inspired this post. I wanted to hide, disappear. My fear is that I’ll feel that way when I finally meet my Savior face to face. I’ll feel inadequate. I’m not one who believes that God punishes us; we punish ourselves. Many will choose to be as far away from God as possible because they aren’t comfortable in His presence. You can’t lie or fudge about what you’ve said, done, and thought. Those who chose narcissism will no longer be able to hide behind their lies. They will be stripped before the Lord of all of their comfortable facades. The fire of the truth will burn away all deceit. If one’s life is built on deceit what will be left? I believe that hell is truth seen too late. I can’t imagine anything more devastating.

Another fear was faced, my fear of either not recognizing my Savior or hiding instead of falling at His feet to worship Him. The only one who can change this is me. The only way to change is to more fully embrace Him in every aspect of my life.

For the record, the last few days have been wonderful. Writing the above allowed me to release my nattering worries and be in the moment. Pleasant visits, choosing to eat healthier, giving sleep a bit of priority, making plans for next year, turning on the fire and Christmas music on television and singing along, watching “The Polar Express” early on Christmas Eve so I was free when company showed up, little things made for a happier time. I’m learning to make my life happy.

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