Changes…

I read Bart Millard’s book I Can Only Imagine, this past weekend. It’s the title of the song and now also the title of the movie. He’s the lead singer for the Christian band MercyMe. I heard the song on an easy listening radio station. I liked it so well I bought a double CD of a collection of Christian songs so I could have that one song. I discovered some other artists I liked, so it was money well spent. I discovered K-LOVE radio, all Christian music, and made it my go-to radio choice.

The book was difficult to read, at first. Bart describes his dad as a monster who became his best friend and a man he wanted to be like. Bart’s dad experienced true repentance when he accepted Jesus as his Lord and Savior. The man honestly changed. He acknowledged his wrongs and did what he could to atone, make right everything within his power to make right. He was given a new heart in Christ.

Why was it difficult? Within my own family, my abuser knowingly chose to not change, chose to not accept responsibility, chose to continue to blame me. They have admitted to some mistakes but always with an excuse to go with it. That isn’t really taking responsibility. That’s pretending, make-believe, lying. It’s sad.

I’m not jealous. I rejoice for Bart and his dad. I want to believe I’m letting go of the hurt of my own past. I found so many things in my life echoed in Bart’s. He handled many of those things differently. This is what my third counselor did for me. He would point out other ways to look at things and to respond. I would have kept seeing him if he hadn’t moved. Blessedly, God sends me other people to help me see things differently, like Bart Millard.

My vision of my writing feels clearer. I’m writing clean Christian romance stories of damaged souls finding love, with God at the center. Christian romance as a genre has elements of Christianity. My stories make Christianity a central facet of the story. Not a popular perspective.

A number of people have suggested that I write for Hallmark, except the company wants inspirational, not Christian and definitely not overtly Christian. My early books are more inspirational.

As I delve deeper into my storytelling, I’m also delving deeper into my soul. I survived because of my rock-solid faith in Jesus. That doesn’t mean I haven’t struggled with my faith. I have. I’ve been angry with God. I’ve wondered if He was mindful of me. The uncertainties never lasted long. Without God, all hope was lost. I often felt hopeless, but I knew God was aware of me, even if He didn’t really love me. I know better now. He loves me, beyond anything I can imagine. My lack of understanding His plan for me does not negate His love for me. That was a tough lesson to learn.

I know the scripture verses about God’s ways not being man’s ways. I grasped the concept intellectually, but I struggled with embracing it in my heart. I’m closer now. Only true change will prove if I incorporated the new things I’ve learned. I want to be more positive. Here’s to Day One. (That’s a song I love my Matthew West. 🙂 )

MercyMe’s I Can Only Imagine

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZVfFY3MMxEI