Posted by: Judy | December 27, 2017

Reflecting

I wasn’t sure how I wanted to handle this post, and then my sister posted this, yesterday:

https://ptsd-acceptingcopingthriving.com/2017/12/25/we-made-it/

I look over my goals, and I’m disappointed in myself. So much not accomplished. It’s been a rough year. Not much writing of stories was done. I feel like I’ve lost an important part of myself. I didn’t stop altogether; I’m simply really, really, really slow. Sometimes all I managed was finding a better word.

In Kentucky, for those 10 days, was a bright spot. I was happy. I didn’t have to deal with any of the family insanity. I took each day as it came. I made the best of typical problems. I laughed. I enjoyed the people around me and enjoyed being alone. I don’t know if I’ve ever been so content and at peace.

The holiday season was tougher than I anticipated. I thought that with NM in a care facility I wouldn’t deal with so much drama and depression. I was wrong.

Then EF decided to bring NM home for a visit on the morning of Christmas Eve, without any warning. Old fears exploded like Mount Vesuvius. He’d promised himself and anyone who asked that he’d never bring her home; there were too many simple dangers, falling or other problem. He lied and broke his promise. I don’t think he comprehends how severely he shattered my trust. Any sense of being even a little safe is gone. On the other hand, there’s the sense of he did exactly what I knew he would do. The shoe has dropped. I don’t have to look out for it anymore. It wouldn’t surprise me if it happened again. Next time, he may not be so lucky. I’m planning a go-bag; they come in, and I go out. The stress is wearing me out.

I’m more at peace with myself, oddly enough. I think I’m a little clearer on the direction I’m headed. I didn’t know I could slow down even further than I already had. There was nothing easy about this past year. Onward to 2018.


Responses

  1. I’m sorry it was so rough for you. Did you have a talk with him of why that was wrong?

    • Yes, I did, though I’m not sure how much good it will do.

  2. Hugs. I’m so glad you had the 10 day trip.

    • Me, too! 🙂


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