Posted by: Judy | November 15, 2017

Self Care 11 of 25

I want to take the same care going through these as the last group of statements, focusing on solutions. I’m not good at self care, but I am learning.

Original link:

11. Being in the present here and now.

My response: 

Life is miserable when you spend it wishing you could erase the past and dreaming of the future, especially when you don’t do anything about either.

No, you can’t change the past. However, you can learn to see if through different eyes. Instead of the wounded child, still hurting, I had to reach the point where I could say, “Yeah, it happened. So what?” I’ve worked long and hard to reach that point. It was actually suggested by one of the many books I read about abuse. It was the advice the author gave. I remember little else about the book, not even the title or the name of the author, though I remember the cover had a rainbow on it. I’ve never forgotten that one sentence (paraphrased): You have to reach the point in your life when people bring up what you went through you can say, “It happened. So what?” It’s a part of the past, not the present and not the future.

Yes, what happened changed everything. I would likely be a different person now had I not been abused. However, I have to wonder, “Would I have liked myself?” Would I be sanctimonious? Self-righteous?  Would I be as compassionate? Would I have truly learned the value of honor, integrity, tenacity? Would I have the same friends? Would I be a writer?

Being present in the here in now is not easy. It requires work and effort. I know how to work, and I’m willing to put in the effort. It helps to learn to recognize the value. Living in the here and now means I don’t beat myself up over the past. Living in the here and now means I don’t fret about the future. Living in the here and now means I allow myself to embrace the present, enjoy each moment.

Does this mean I don’t dream about the future? Of course not. In order to know what steps to take in the present, I need to know where I’m going. I admit I’m a bit of a control freak. LOL! Being in control gives me a sense of power. Recognizing that I have little control is a daily lesson. Accepting responsibility for controlling me, no one else, is a hard earned lesson.

An abuse victim is taught that they control their abuser’s moods and actions. How did I learn the absurdity of this claim? How in the world did a five-year-old little girl control a teenage boy’s actions? I didn’t hold a gun to his head. How in the world did a little girl control her mother’s happiness? I wasn’t magical. How had so much power been bestowed on a child who always felt so helpless and powerless? Lies.

Rule #1: Stop Lying, especially to yourself.

I was not powerful. I did not control my abusers. The only power I held in my hands was the ability to learn to control myself. My counselors guided those lessons, and I learned.

I still mess up. A lot. I’m learning. Practice. Every day. I won’t give up, and I won’t give in. Living in the here and now I’m happy.


  1. […] Judy writes her perspective here: […]

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