Posted by: Judy | November 13, 2017

Self Care 9 of 25

I want to take the same care going through these as the last group of statements, focusing on solutions. I’m not good at self care, but I am learning.

Original link:

9. I struggle with making healthy relationship choices. I always go for people that I know are going to re traumatise me, even when there are “better choices” right in front of me. It’s like I can’t break that cycle.

My response: 

Story of my life, until my third counselor. I told him I felt like I had a tattoo on my forehead that said: ABUSE ME. He arched an eyebrow… maybe he didn’t. He was pretty good about treating me kindly, but the vibes coming off him communicated a “duh” sensation. I stared at him as it dawned. I did! Not a real tattoo but a way of interacting with people that attracted abusers and users. Why? Because that’s the way I knew how to interact with people. I’d gone in to my third round of counseling to figure out why I was still stuck. I’d worked through so much. It wasn’t until that moment that I realized I had to not simply accept the past but I had to change me in fundamental ways.

During my recent adventure, I realized I’d finally successfully applied what my counselor had worked so hard to help me learn. I had healthy boundaries. I expected them to be respected, and they were. I didn’t have to be nasty or cold or angry or any of the other unpleasant methods I used to use in order to keep people at a distance.

How did I finally step onto the path to change? I embraced Rule #1: Stop Lying, especially to yourself. I’m thinking of writing a book by that title. It’s a tough rule. It sounds so easy, and it so isn’t, especially for those who were trained to lie from a young age. “Everything’s fine.” “Nothing happened.” “It doesn’t matter.”

The abusers were fine not me. Too much happened. And it mattered.

Changing is hard work and worth it.


  1. […] Judy’s experience is at this link…. […]

  2. […] Judy’s, my sister, perspective: […]

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