Posted by: Judy | September 13, 2017

25 of 25 Things

As I started my journey working through these, it was to clarify to myself what I went through. However, as I’ve worked, I’ve discovered a deeper reason for exploring each “Thing.” Each of the 25 Things applied to me. I also realize that I’ve worked through some. They are no longer a problem. I’ve made progress on all of them. This is an opportunity to look back and see how far I’ve come. It’s important to do that, once in a while.

Original post from The Mighty:

https://themighty.com/2017/06/childhood-emotional-abuse-adult-habits/

25. “Several things, but the main one was lashing out on social media for years. Controversial and angry statuses, just due to the anger inside of me. I have texts I sent my friend where I described just how much I felt this unsettling anger in my chest. Emotional abuse from peers at school to family [can] really [mess] you up. I then finally found a therapist who could help me and I’ve come a long way.”

My sister’s response:

https://ptsd-acceptingcopingthriving.com/2017/08/04/an-advantage/

My response:

My gratitude to God that I wasn’t online until I’d worked through a lot already. In fact, I didn’t join the online world until 2002. I stepped into the fray when I discovered that every time I called the reference desk at the library to ask about a new drug for my work, and they told me they found it on the internet. I dipped my toe into the water for work, to look up drugs on my own. Then “The Lord of the Rings” movie came out (“Fellowship of the Ring) and I discovered the wonderful world of connecting with people online who loved the movie and the books, too.

The wonder of the internet was that it provided instant boundaries. I made mistakes and still do, but nothing out of the ordinary. I learned the value of picking and choosing the time and the place to reveal information. I discovered the wonderful power of delete, both after and before publishing. Edit is also a great tool. The importance of these discoveries is that I discovered it was okay to be wrong. It wasn’t life or death.

I also discovered the wonder of not knowing everything. Abusers expect their victims to know everything instantly in order to answer correctly whatever they demand and at the same time convince their victims that they’re stupid. I’ve never figured out how they managed to do that, except that the whole relationship is based on lies anyway and this is simply one more.

I must confess that I’ve been accused of “going scorched earth.” It’s true. I excel at annihilating any argument that goes against my perspective. It was a survival tool. The only way to survive the insanity of the twisted thinking was to line up all my evidence, with footnotes and anything else necessary, to ensure I could hold my ground. Far too many times, I would complain about some injustice and within minutes would find myself blamed and apologizing for something that had been done to me.

How did I change that? I reduced my interaction with people who required me to defend myself for things that didn’t need defending. I discovered people who accepted me as I am and encouraged me to be a better version of myself. I also had awesome counselors. The last one is the one who taught me about fine-tuning. I was doing okay. He helped me find alternate and better ways of coping with things that used to send me into a tailspin of self-doubt and berating myself.

As I am heard and understood and accept, the rage diminishes. I could not have made the progress I have alone. I was blessed with amazing counselors. As I grew healthier, my circle of friends changed. Through it all, God loved me. He chastised me when I needed to be corrected. He sent miracles to see me through. In my moments of despair, I knew He was there. He couldn’t do the hard work for me, but He walked with me the whole way. There were times when I felt alone but knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, I wasn’t. I didn’t understand and still don’t understand many things, but I trust God who knows all and is all powerful and loves perfectly. As long as I continue to seek His face, I’ll be headed in the right direction. One day at a time is all He asks of me.


Responses

  1. It always amazed me too how the abuser could twist everything to their benefit and leave their target apologizing for being hurt. The ones that really got me were when I was blamed for something when I was nowhere near the incident. I always fought those and usually the abuser would actually try to defend their stance. But you’re so right about seeking God’s face. That makes all the difference in the world.

    • Maddening, isn’t it? And yes, He does. 🙂


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Categories

<span>%d</span> bloggers like this: