Posted by: Judy | August 10, 2017

Am I living by faith?

Beholding Him Ministries shared a powerful post, including a Corrie Ten Boom’s story. She is one of my heroes.

https://beholdinghimministries.org/2017/08/08/trust-in-the-lord-nmw/

I also want to live by faith and yet… I don’t have the faith Corrie displayed.

Faith isn’t a tiny corner of life. For me, it’s like oxygen. It touches every aspect of my life. I need it to survive. It’s also like a muscle. If I don’t exercise it, I grow weaker. Exercising it helps me grow stronger.

Thinking about my “bad” days, I realize that they often include a shakiness in faith. My brain vacation, I’m pretty sure, is because the wedding “appeared” next in my head. In my “wisdom,” I was sure it was too soon. Positively too soon. I haven’t been able to continue the story. I confess I was wrong. I’m sorry. My pride isn’t quite as conciliatory.

Ah, pride. One of my big stumbling blocks. It’s a strange trait to develop in an abuse survivor. It isn’t a healthy pride more appropriately called confidence. It’s the insanity of thinking I know what to do because my abuser demanded I do everything correctly every time. It’s perfectionism. I must be perfect to be worthy. Only someone worthy is lovable. Only someone lovable deserves to live. Insanity. Lies. All lies.

Blessedly, God is a great believer in repetition. Jesus Christ said the same thing over and over and over, in different ways. Love God with all your heart, might, mind, and strength, and love your neighbor as yourself. Everything is centered on those two laws. Everything.

Giving the battle to God and praising God in the storm.

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