Posted by: Judy | June 20, 2017

Head Conversations

Monday morning’s post triggered thoughts along the same vein.

My first counselor advised me to work out conversations in my head. I was to think of every possible reply and craft a response I could use without having to think. This was how she wanted me to deal with NM. There was one little problem, which I did not see until years later. It never occurred to me that any of the replies would be blatant lies.

I would approach the “discussion” hopeful for a positive outcome. The first lie would be thrown at me, followed by more lies. In nothing flat, I wouldn’t simply be drowning, I’d be dead at the bottom of the sea. I did attempt to prepare for the lies, but some were so outrageous they would blindside me and leave me speechless. Needless to say, the exercise was a fail.

However, I didn’t stop talking things through in my head. I’d done it before, but I became more aware, more intentional, more exploratory. I learned to slow down in the middle of a rage long enough to examine why I was really angry. Rage is rarely a singular causation. For that kind of emotional explosion, it’s a bunch of different things piled on or something with a long history.

Yesterday, I went about the morning doing tasks that are brainless, the things that require absolutely no thought and leave your mind to wander as it may. Sometimes, I sort through the story I’m working on. Sometimes, I work through something that’s bothering me. Yesterday, it was one of those imaginary dialogues my first counselor encouraged me to have with NM.

NM has told numerous people that I hate her. There was a time when I did, but it was years ago. In my head, I heard her making the accusation again. My mental response was that it’s too much work to maintain that kind of emotion with no real reward. It’s an energy eater. I had to let it go. There are things she’s done I hate, but I can’t give it anymore than that.

I need to remember that her accusations aren’t about me. Maybe I’m ready to let this rest. Giving the battle to God and praising God in the storm.

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