I liked to pretend that our family isn’t like other N families. Then I’m given a reality check. It’s uncomfortable. I don’t want to notice. Lying only puts off the painful truth.
How many years was I abandoned to her “tender mercies” and told I was melodramatic or too intense or part of the problem or lying or at least blowing things out of proportion?
Yes, NM is out of the house, so I have been granted that bit of peace, aside from all the people who ask me “How is your sweet mother?” So far, I’ve managed to control my desire to rage or respond sarcastically. I remain civil and polite. I’m good at it.
Even after revealing how NM emotionally and sexually abused me, she still rates higher on the priority list. Worse? It isn’t like I didn’t already know. I have eyes and ears, and despite popular opinion I’m not stupid. Oh, they will assure me I’m smart, so why do they act like I’m stupid? I’m capable of adding two and two and coming up with four. The hazard of being observant.
If I explode, some grand gesture is made and then everything goes back to the way it was. Yes, I notice that too. I always have. The grand gesture is nice, but I recognize it for the placating gesture it is. Nothing changes.
A rough start to the day. I thought about erasing it all, except it was me sharing what was in my head in the moment. The most important statement? I’m tired.
This is where my mind goes when I’m overtired. It simply does. I know it’s unfair. No amount of positive thinking or logic makes it better. I know it’s unreasonable. I know I need to change my perspective. I’m too tired.
God gave me a distraction.
The above spiraling occurred on my morning walk. I arrived home, washed my hands, and looked in the mirror. The outside white of my right eye was bloody. Off to Mr. Google. Actually, I use Duck Duck Go. In any case, it isn’t serious or painful, just gruesome looking. It’s happened before, though not this bad. Last time, it was the other side and a spot that was easy to ignore. It covers about half my eye. It really is grizzly, but it will go away over a few weeks. It probably happened when I sneezed hard. Really.
Next, I read a favorite author and took an afternoon nap. I woke feeling considerably less irritable and more positive. No one is responsible for cheering me up but me. I choose. I decide.
Members of the family have their own trials and difficulties. My feelings of inadequacy and sadness are not their responsibility. There’s really not anything they can do. It’s up to me. It was easier to blame them than deal with what I’m fretting about myself. Yes, I’m over the snit.
I’m not sure how much mourning is in me for NM. I’m weary of giving her anymore real estate in my head. She abused me. I mourned our lack of a relationship long ago. She chose not to change. I am under no obligation to sacrifice even one moment more of my peace of mind.
God removed the blinders, helped me recognize what it was about my own behavior I didn’t like, and has given me an unexpected reprieve. I’m grateful.
I’m still tired, but not as morose. I don’t know why the word morose makes me laugh at myself but it does. I’ll take it.
I am not yet as Job (pronounced Jobe, in the Bible). He suffered much and remained faithful. I will remain faithful. Give the battle to God and praise God in the storm. I choose to be grateful for the love and support I’ve been given, even when it’s simply my own. I know it could be worse because it has been. I’m not giving up, and I’m not giving in. God is good. He is aware of me.
To top it all off, Motivating Daily shared this quote:
If you have time to whine and complain about something then you have the time to do something about it. ~ Anthony J. D’Angelo
Thanks God, for sending me the message I needed to hear.