Posted by: Judy | March 21, 2017

Forgotten Side Effect of Mourning

I woke yesterday morning, at 3 AM, to the worst nightmare I can remember. I hate that I can’t get it out of my head. Yeah, last night was not an early night. The only way to guarantee no nightmares is to drift into sleep deprivation. Hopefully, tonight I’ll be able to head to bed earlier. I no sooner finish deciding this and I note a couple new Likes. I checked the blog and what do I find but information on the value of sleep.

Okay, I won’t give up on working on that one. A little unsettling when encouragement regarding a concern pops up that fast.

My weight is back up to my highest point. Starting over at 0, again, in my “lose 1% of my weight at a time.” Bummer. Sigh. Trying something a little different and tying into my attempt to be ALL IN.

I’m taking all the feelings and thoughts and dumping them into the next novella. Editing may change a great deal, but this will give me the opportunity to pour out all my feelings and thoughts without doing a dump here. I want to be more positive, uplifting, encouraging. Depression simply isn’t. I’m tired of living in depression. More than half a century is quite long enough.

I remind myself that mourning and depression are not one in the same thing. You can be depressed and not technically in mourning, though I think depression always involves a loss of one sort or another. Sometimes, it’s simply the loss of control, whether given away or taken by circumstances. Mourning does not necessarily mean depressed. I’ve met any of a number of people who have been in mourning and not depressed.

Exercise is not the problem, as usual. I do my walking, four days a week, and my physical therapy, six days a week. Got it.

Eating… the bane of my existence. Impossible to go ‘cold turkey.’ Learned feast or famine. Healthy was something preached at me but denied me. NM needed to control others to feel in control, and controlling food was the fastest, easiest means to an end. It also satisfied the need for ‘a fix’ every single day.

Most gurus suggest removing the problem foods. Not helpful. I will binge on anything and everything else if I deny myself what I’m craving. I can use substitutes, provided they aren’t too different. Oddly enough, if I have an abundance of what I crave, I’m less likely to overindulge. I’m less likely to worry about eating it all now if I know I’ll be able to eat it again later.

Then again, when I feel out of control, eating is how I pretend I have control. Giving the battle to God and praising God in the storm hasn’t worked as well with the whole food thing. Then again, I’m not sure how much of a sincere effort I’ve put into it. I’ve improved in other aspects of my life. Maybe it’s a matter of focusing the practice on the food side, without beating myself up.

It’s worth a try.

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