Posted by: Judy | March 13, 2017

When things don’t change…

NM went through another procedure, requiring hospitalization and rehab. I endeavored to use the time wisely, giving myself an opportunity to shore up my reserves. This time feels different. I’m more at peace with myself. Giving the battle to God and praising God in the storm.

I’ve appreciated the break. This time I think I improved established, as well as solidified, needed distance, also known as healthy boundaries. Those who have not endured the brutality of living with a narcissist will call me cruel and heartless. So be it. If the life I live doesn’t give evidence to the contrary, then there’s no point in denying the claim.

The day NM learned she would be released to return home, she sent a letter home to me, with EF, the first letter during this go-around. The most recent missive reminded me why I haven’t missed the notes.

NM once again asked for forgiveness. Yes, I sound even more nasty, don’t I? I would agree, except that the note wasn’t about me. It was all about her, as usual. In fact, I’ve received dozens of such notes, over the years. I used to step willingly into the trap, only to realize too late not once had actual change occurred. They were all eloquently worded bits of manipulation.

I know I can never go back to what I was. Last time, less than six months ago, I made routine changes that didn’t last her return. This time, I’ve made changes that have nothing to do with her. I’ll be able to maintain my changes regardless of anything she does.

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Responses

  1. So, so sorry about the abuse you’ve endured. I’ve lived with abuse my entire life and you have to fight the messages. God does not see you as anything close to what you’re being told. He calls you His beloved and sings over you. You have to keep reminding yourself of this every day, sometimes minute to minute. I know this to be true because it’s what I have to do and there have been a lot of times I haven’t defeated the feeling for s period of time, but the more I do it I find the more it makes a difference. God loves you so much no matter what anyone tells you.

    • You’re right. I like to think I’ve reached the point where I’m able to accept it when someone reminds me. It’s difficult to remember in the middle of the muddle. Bless you.

      • I completely agree. But with time, sometimes the words don’t stick and we see the words for what they are – a reflection of the abuser not you. You are loved and lovely. It’s something we could all stand to hear on a regular basis because it’s true. As Veggie Tales says: God made you special and He loves you very much!

        • Amen.


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