Beholding Him Ministries challenged me to choose joy, today.
Being an unofficial caretaker of elderly parents is a challenge. Add to it one is struggling with dementia and a pathological liar who is only aware of their own needs. Someone who believes that everyone is there to serve them and doesn’t care about anyone else’s needs but their own. The other prefers to pretend everything will be well. Much has settled into the familiar old pattern, except there’s an underlying anger in the one who enabled the first. Eyes have been open, and they don’t know what to do with it all. Hyper vigilance is in full swing. It’s wearing.
At the same time, blessedly, God sent an angel to help. She is teaching me about patience, honesty, giving, sharing, loving, and letting go.
I enjoyed a delicious breakfast and empathetic conversation with a dear friend. I took an almost two-hour nap. It didn’t ease the dark circles under my eyes, but I felt less ragged. I took the angel home and went to visit the dog. Company stopped by, which alleviated some of the insane behavior or validated I wasn’t crazy for thinking some of the things done were insane.
A last straw was pulled before my bedtime. The narcissist woke the enabler because the outside Christmas lights were still on and the N couldn’t possibly sleep with them on. Mind you, the N told me they owned a blackout mask. Don’t know what happened to it. I’d been listening. When I heard N making noises toward going to bed, I put on my shoes to go turn out the light but wasn’t fast enough to keep N from waking E. Why did my anger explode? The lies. All the lies. That and if she had exercised patience of even one minute, it would have been done. Except I have to remind myself that it really wasn’t about the lights. It’s about controlling E, punishing E. It’s horribly sad.
What’s different this time? I quietly reminded myself to give the battle to God and pulled my Bible off the shelf, opened it, and read. I was reminded I’m not perfect and need to make corrections in my own life, which doesn’t mean pretending all is well when it isn’t.
God is working a change in me. I don’t know where it’s going, but I know if I don’t follow I may well be lost forever. I want the changes even as I don’t entirely trust them. I’ve returned to old habits so many times. I believe if I return to old habits this time, it will be due to laziness and rebellion on my part. It’s a bit daunting. I fear falling short and yet sense every step forward, no matter how small, is all that’s required.
Reminder to self: