It’s been a difficult year. Injuries, health problems, depression. Last night, I found myself once again wishing it were all over. No one to blame but me for my miserable state of affairs. So many mistakes. So many lousy choices. Too tired. I keep thinking that death comes as a friend. Still taking the long, slow road to suicide by eating badly.
Do I really want to die? I thought so.
I dug a little deeper. I don’t believe I deserve to live. I don’t deserve to be successful. I don’t deserve to be happy. I deserve to be right where I am.
Woke this morning to another day. God didn’t want me Home.
My foot is swollen and sore. I think I dropped something on it or hit it somehow. I don’t remember. There’s no bruising. I went for a walk anyway.
Walk time is talking to God time. He hears everything. I pour out everything and never hold anything back. We often have the following exchange:
God: I love you.
Me: You have to. It’s who You are.
God: Jesus died for you.
Me: He died for everyone.
This morning, the sunrise didn’t look like it would be anything special. The promised storms had passed. There would be none of the pinks I love. It would be blues and yellows. Pretty but not what makes me stop in awe.
I stopped to watch the flag raising at one of the local schools, grateful I live where I do. I chastised myself for not being more grateful.
I shared with God all my silly little self-centered hurts.
Other walkers greeted me as we passed.
I fretted over all the things I’m doing wrong, my shortcomings, my flaws.
I didn’t walk two miles, but I managed one and a half miles without too much pain. The pain in my foot eased a little with the walking. Two miles would have been too far.
A half mile from home, pink appeared, low on the eastern horizon. Only a little.
It spread across the bowl of the sky as I neared home. I watched in awe, and yet it wasn’t only for me. Everyone was able to see the beauty.
Less than a quarter of a mile from home, a little piece of rainbow appeared amongst the pink clouds. I stopped and watched.
God: It’s for you.
I doubt anyone else saw it as it didn’t last long.
God never skimps.
Every blog post I saw this morning re-enforced God’s message:
I am aware of you. Yes. You. You the individual, the single solitary person. You are My daughter, and I know you’re hurting. Pain isn’t what I want for you, but pain is a part of life. Hang on. Trust in Me. I will never abandon you. Hold My hand. I will walk with You every step of the way. We will make it through.
Thank you to all those who shared God’s love with me, this morning. You participated in God’s answer to His wayward child begging for reassurance.