Posted by: Judy | July 13, 2016

Not Listening

It was painful to admit I’d put food above God. I never intended to do it. I didn’t believe I had. I know in my head and my heart God is higher, greater, more. I know it’s important to spend time with God in scripture study and prayer.

Everything good comes from God. God sees me through the rough patches, all of them, even when I think I’m struggling on my own. My priorities, in theory, are right. God first.

The recent mental shift required I look deeper. Every Sunday, I spend a few minutes mapping out the week on paper. I give myself a gold star as I accomplish the required tasks.

Having said that, I’ve been feeling that something is lacking. I meant that time to be spent reviewing my previous week and planning the coming week, with God, making sure my will is aligning with his.

Oddly enough, I never really paid attention to how I portioned out my time.

Monday’s post helped me see how warped my perspective is when it comes to food. I think about food all the time. I’m not beating myself up over this. It’s an understandable response considering how food was used against me. A basic need was turned into a weapon to manipulate, punish, and reward. It’s a miracle I didn’t end up with more problems than I have. This isn’t to say that being 100 lbs overweight isn’t serious. It is. I also know enough to know it could be much worse.

With the realization I was worshipping food more than God came the determination to change.

I may have been brutally conditioned into an unhealthy relationship with food, but I choose not to stay in it. I can’t go no contact, but I can severe the stranglehold.

Thanks to this blog and the amazing people who have commented over the years, I’ve learned a lot about how to analyze and develop a plan of action.

*I need to listen to my body. I eat a meal and feel stuffed. A few hours later and I’m not really hungry but I’m eating again.

*I binge eat, especially when I’m anxious.

*My “will power” deteriorates as the day goes on.

*I eat to stay awake.

I may find other specific problems as this goes on, but these are my most obvious.

~I like DingDongs and chocolate-covered Twinkees. I’ve also discovered that I’m more likely to eat more if I have them early in the day. I’m happy with one if I have it after dinner. I will not let those little cakes beat me. They are meant to be savored, for fun. Time I gave myself permission to enjoy the cake and stop.

~I’m able to stop eating in the evening if I brush my teeth right after dinner. I haven’t done it before… why? I don’t know. I wanted the option to eat more. Pathetic. I was afraid of feeling deprived. Sad. This should help with the nibbling throughout the evening. No… I made it a part of my bedtime routine. I will create a different routine for bedtime.

~I need to nap instead of eat. It won’t always be possible, but I’m looking for improvement not perfection.

~I’ve been working on the binge eating. I like the veggie straws better than the chips. I don’t know why, but I’m better able to limit how many I eat. I like the cheese puff type curls better than the cheese puffs. Again, I’m able to limit how many I eat. I don’t know why there’s a difference. The ingredients are pretty much the same. The puffs and chips are big and wide, while the straws and curls are compact. It’s the only difference I can pinpoint, and I don’t know why it matters or even if it does. Maybe it simply feels like I’m eating more because they’re small.

~I’m not allowed to think constantly of food. No worrying about what I’ll eat next. I will be fed, one way or another. I’m bright and intelligent. I have plenty of food available because I’ve made sure I do. I will make a quick plan and not worry about whether or not it’s right or perfect.

~Money not spent on food will be spent on books and new clothes that fit who I am now.

Last note, and this is important: What is spurring me? I’ve registered for an event in the fall of 2017. It’s 14 months away, and I’m looking forward to it. Why am I doing it? For fun. Nothing specific to learn or do, except have fun.

I never realized how difficult it is for me to have fun. I’m having a bit of a time wrapping my head around the idea of fun.

In my head, I know it’s important to have fun, to have dreams.

The last few years have been…difficult.

I’m looking forward to the adventure.

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Responses

  1. I’m so excited you have an event to look forward to!

    • 🙂


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