Posted by: Judy | July 13, 2016

Not Listening

It was painful to admit I’d put food above God. I never intended to do it. I didn’t believe I had. I know in my head and my heart God is higher, greater, more. I know it’s important to spend time with God in scripture study and prayer.

Everything good comes from God. God sees me through the rough patches, all of them, even when I think I’m struggling on my own. My priorities, in theory, are right. God first.

The recent mental shift required I look deeper. Every Sunday, I spend a few minutes mapping out the week on paper. I give myself a gold star as I accomplish the required tasks.

Having said that, I’ve been feeling that something is lacking. I meant that time to be spent reviewing my previous week and planning the coming week, with God, making sure my will is aligning with his.

Oddly enough, I never really paid attention to how I portioned out my time.

Monday’s post helped me see how warped my perspective is when it comes to food. I think about food all the time. I’m not beating myself up over this. It’s an understandable response considering how food was used against me. A basic need was turned into a weapon to manipulate, punish, and reward. It’s a miracle I didn’t end up with more problems than I have. This isn’t to say that being 100 lbs overweight isn’t serious. It is. I also know enough to know it could be much worse.

With the realization I was worshipping food more than God came the determination to change.

I may have been brutally conditioned into an unhealthy relationship with food, but I choose not to stay in it. I can’t go no contact, but I can severe the stranglehold.

Thanks to this blog and the amazing people who have commented over the years, I’ve learned a lot about how to analyze and develop a plan of action.

*I need to listen to my body. I eat a meal and feel stuffed. A few hours later and I’m not really hungry but I’m eating again.

*I binge eat, especially when I’m anxious.

*My “will power” deteriorates as the day goes on.

*I eat to stay awake.

I may find other specific problems as this goes on, but these are my most obvious.

~I like DingDongs and chocolate-covered Twinkees. I’ve also discovered that I’m more likely to eat more if I have them early in the day. I’m happy with one if I have it after dinner. I will not let those little cakes beat me. They are meant to be savored, for fun. Time I gave myself permission to enjoy the cake and stop.

~I’m able to stop eating in the evening if I brush my teeth right after dinner. I haven’t done it before… why? I don’t know. I wanted the option to eat more. Pathetic. I was afraid of feeling deprived. Sad. This should help with the nibbling throughout the evening. No… I made it a part of my bedtime routine. I will create a different routine for bedtime.

~I need to nap instead of eat. It won’t always be possible, but I’m looking for improvement not perfection.

~I’ve been working on the binge eating. I like the veggie straws better than the chips. I don’t know why, but I’m better able to limit how many I eat. I like the cheese puff type curls better than the cheese puffs. Again, I’m able to limit how many I eat. I don’t know why there’s a difference. The ingredients are pretty much the same. The puffs and chips are big and wide, while the straws and curls are compact. It’s the only difference I can pinpoint, and I don’t know why it matters or even if it does. Maybe it simply feels like I’m eating more because they’re small.

~I’m not allowed to think constantly of food. No worrying about what I’ll eat next. I will be fed, one way or another. I’m bright and intelligent. I have plenty of food available because I’ve made sure I do. I will make a quick plan and not worry about whether or not it’s right or perfect.

~Money not spent on food will be spent on books and new clothes that fit who I am now.

Last note, and this is important: What is spurring me? I’ve registered for an event in the fall of 2017. It’s 14 months away, and I’m looking forward to it. Why am I doing it? For fun. Nothing specific to learn or do, except have fun.

I never realized how difficult it is for me to have fun. I’m having a bit of a time wrapping my head around the idea of fun.

In my head, I know it’s important to have fun, to have dreams.

The last few years have been…difficult.

I’m looking forward to the adventure.




  1. I’m so excited you have an event to look forward to!

    • 🙂

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