Posted by: Judy | June 27, 2016

Decision made…

I know the healthiest option for me is to move out. Financial limitations make it an impossibility, for now.

Embracing the truth has been an ongoing battle. As a child of abuse, lies were the order of the day. I learned to lie about everything. It was a valuable and necessary survival skill.

Ten years ago, with the help of an amazing counselor, I started my truth campaign. I thought I’d started it much earlier, but I had no idea how engrained the lies were in my life. The battle required tearing my world apart and starting over, except my one foundational truth: Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior. That one I had right.

I painstakingly picked out the tiny lies like removing slivers of glass. I accepted it would be agonizing as well as the fact it was the only way to truly heal.

With God’s guiding hand, I’ve traveled through the labyrinth created by the insanity of my childhood. Answers came as I was ready to receive them. Some I received with more acceptance than others.

The most difficult has been how to deal with NM. Not long ago, a last straw landed on my back. NM told the guests at the table that I had done something wrong. Do I remember what it was? No. I only remember it was a mistake. I think something had been broken. She watched me while she told everyone I’d done it, with the little smile that tells me she knows what she’s doing. She’s about to “get” me. Everyone laughed. The truth was that she had broken it, and we both knew it. My father also knew the truth and said nothing in my defense. Peace at all costs.

The truth will set you free. Yes, at first, it makes you miserable but only because it’s a lot of work to replace the lies with the truth. First, you fight to learn to distinguish the truth from the lies. It’s difficult. It grows easier with practice. Once the truth is firmly established, there’s a peace that settles over you. You no longer have to keep all the lies straight. You no longer have to remember what you told whom. You no longer have to consider what other lies you’ll have to tell in order to keep the previous lies afloat.

A burden lifts from one’s shoulders that one didn’t realize was there until it’s gone.

Lies are abominably heavy.

I’ve been mulling the incident and have come to the following conclusion:

My mother chose to forfeit a daughter in favor of a scapegoat.

So be it.

As a scapegoat, I’m not obligated to speak to her or interact with her in any way. In exchange, she can say whatever she wants about me.

It no longer matters to me what everyone else thinks of me. I can’t control them.

This is not about doling out the silent treatment. Really. It is recognizing that no reasonable relationship is possible.

NM’s actions revealed that she has decided she’s willing to sacrifice her daughter in order to have a scapegoat. Her decision precludes me from having to pretend I’m a beloved daughter to anyone but God.

How has God turned this for my good? I’m learning to turn to Him for every need. Yes, I have needs like home, food, and clothing, but those are little things compared to the need to release my anger and bitterness, not to mention releasing my need to be in control of everything, an impossible feat.

As a victim, I was brutally taught that I controlled everything. If I was just pretty enough, smart enough, obedient enough, crossed every ‘t’ and dotted every ‘i,’ then everything would be all right. All failures were my fault. It took decades to relinquish those lies.

Blessedly, God is patient in teaching me what I have control over and how to exercise healthy control and how to give Him everything else.

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Responses

  1. Judy, you have so many good things to share. Blessings to you dear blogging friend. 🙂

    • Thank you kindly, Kathy.

  2. Many things we think are impossible simply need to be looked at another way to resolve. Not that it will be easy, but there are many ways to skin a cat (and sorry for that horrible analogy). You’re worth it.

    • Impossible to me. 🙂 Don’t worry; I grew up hearing the cat idiom and still use it myself. Actually, I think it rather apropos. It certainly feels as difficult and messy. 🙂


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