Posted by: Judy | June 13, 2016

Follow Up on Introspection…

I started a stream of thought, last Thursday, regarding lying to children about being whatever they want to be. We tell them lies and then wonder why they lie.

Nowhere is this more true than in the abusive situation. The abuser tells the child it is their fault. If they’d only done what they were told. If only they weren’t so pretty. If only they were smarter. If only they were enough. If only they were different in one way or another as the abuser dictates.

It doesn’t matter if the child did what they were told, to the letter. The abuser will change the rules they establish.

The victim cannot win, unless it is to further the abuser’s agenda.

It isn’t about the child.

Abuse is not about the victim, what they did, said, or looked like. It is all about the abuser lying, constantly. The abuser throws in the occasional truth, which fools the unwary, the unaware.

They lie when they say they’re sorry and say they accept responsibility.

How do I know?

Simple.

They do not change their behavior. Being sorry and accepting responsibility means change happens. Not surface-let’s-make-it-look-like-change-is happening.

The perfect example was NM reading a book about giving a compliment without tacking on criticism. It was explained that when giving a compliment it was important to stop at the compliment and not add “but.” I watched as NM learned to omit the word. Really. NM would offer the compliment and visibly stop and continue with the criticism, without using the word “but.” It was unspoken loud and clear. NM believed change had occurred because “but” wasn’t actually in the sentence anymore.

I have to be careful I don’t follow that example. I’m learning. I will change. I am changing. I like the direction I’m going, but it all started with stopping the lies, all of them.

“The truth will set you free, but first it will make you miserable.”

Rule #1: Stop lying, especially to yourself.

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