Posted by: Judy | May 4, 2016

Planning ahead…

Mother’s Day is coming. Breathe.

I think Mother’s Day will be one of my novellas, eventually.

Years ago, I gave myself permission to stop “celebrating” this holiday. It doesn’t take away the sadness or the anger, but it is better.

I stopped feeling guilty a long time ago.

I am grateful my mother chose to have me as opposed to aborting me, not that she considered it. However, she neglected me on a number of occasions to the point of putting my life in danger. So, I’m grateful I survived. I give that to God.

The anger is more comfortable than hurt or frustrated. I’m angry a relationship isn’t possible. I’m angry, a little with God, I haven’t been blessed with the opportunity to be a mother, the dearest wish of my heart, right after being a wife. Yes, angry about not having that one either. At the same time, I think God made the best decision. Sigh. He’s right. I’ve come a long way. I’m glad I didn’t pass along the abuse.

Sadness doesn’t feel as powerful as anger. However, mourning is what I need to embrace. I’m learning.

100_2785

Advertisements

Responses

  1. {{{{{Judy}}}}} You’re too hard on yourself. You were a wonderful mother to your fur babies.

    • I keep thinking I’ll handle it better this year, and I don’t. Maybe I’ll do my plan ahead starting a month in advance. Thank you {{{{{Judith}}}}}

      • I just stick my head in the sand for the day. Just kidding — I’m running a 5k with my 9 year old Girls on the Run buddy. It helped turn my mood around last year, so I’m hoping for the same this go around.

        • I love what you’re doing! That is so fantastic! It probably doesn’t help that NM is forcing interaction.

          • Maybe you could make other plans?

            • She’s stalking me, again. Wandering through the kitchen during my time, sitting by the door when I’m scheduled to take care of the dog. I’m taking myself out to lunch sometimes to avoid her and using the back door instead of the side door. I actually have final edits due, which means I’m behind the eight-ball for the next week. I suspect the edits are adding to the stress.

            • Sorry to hear all of that. She’s really terrible. {{{Judy}}}

            • Oh, and I thought you meant she was making you do some sort of Mother’s Day thing, which… you really don’t need that.

            • No event for the day. She’ll simply brag about what everyone else gave her. That doesn’t phase me anymore. Siblings will drop in to visit. I pretty much ignore it all. Now that I’ve put it that way, I’m able to see all of it as more manipulation. I can laugh at that. One day at a time.

  2. Sorry to hear the hurt and pain that still exists in your heart surrounding this day. Hope that there will be a day in your future where this day doesn’t represent a painful trigger anymore. I lived through many, many years where it was a painful day on the calendar. Thankfully, I was able to eventually find a way to associate the day with a positive experience, rather than having to mourn all those lost moments that never happened.

    My advice when feeling sad or triggered is always to try and do something extra special for yourself on those days. Whether that means a healthy treat (or not so healthy option), or a small adventure, or even just something as simple as a small gift to yourself to add some color or texture to your day. Something to look forward to, and celebrate. Take time to mourn, yes, but don’t forget to also take time to celebrate YOU. 🙂

    • I’ve been overeating. Bah. Final edits also showed up, and that’s an additional stress. Maybe I’ll go to bed early tonight and hope I wake feeling better. Yeah, menopause would be nice if it would finish already. Hormones kicking in this week kind of feels like a dirty trick, you know? Thanks for the encouragement! {{{{{ntexas99}}}}}


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Categories

%d bloggers like this: