Posted by: Judy | April 18, 2016

This is not who I want to be…

I walk into the house from running an errand. NM is waiting. She welcomes me home and adds, “I love you.”

I walk past, so she’s behind me, facing the other way, our backs to each other and several feet between us (she shouldn’t hear me), and I whisper under my breath, “Shut up.”

I walk back to my room, sit down, and cry. I hate them, and I hate myself. This is not who I want to be.

*That’s where I was on Thursday afternoon.

I emailed two people I consider on My Team but hate to burden as they both already have full plates of their own. My heart was lighter for sharing. It didn’t change anything, except I knew I wasn’t alone. The rats racing around in my head slowed. Some of them were put aside for later consideration, needing further information that will only come with time. The others shrank to mouse size instead of the elephant size they were.

Then I received a response to my Thursday blog from ntexas99. She gave me some insights and some ideas I will implement.

One of My Team emailed me back, “scolding” me: I wasn’t a burden. She expected me to broaden my thinking. Funnily enough, much of what she wrote tied into the response Judith posted on my blog not much later.

Last but not long after that, my other email team member also responded, addressing different things than the first. All the important bases were covered.

Four responses from people I consider members of My Team. I wasn’t alone.

Nothing about the situation changed, except my perspective. I still feel trapped, but I’m considering possibilities I’d previously dismissed as impossible. Maybe they still are. It doesn’t matter. I’m taking steps I wouldn’t have otherwise.

God hasn’t provided a way out, yet, but He has provided four friends who blessedly shared their lights in my darkness.



  1. You are definitely not alone 🙂

    Hugs to you! You’re stronger than you think.

    • {{Judith}} I think that’s one of those things I need to be reminded of repeatedly every day.

  2. Even though we often forget, or find ourselves in a place where it’s hard to recognize, none of us are ever alone. That’s one of the vital things about the blogging community. We are able to stay connected, even if only minimally at times, but it’s enough. To remind us we’re not alone.

    Writing about it always helps expel the negative energy. Sounds to me like you are making progress. And thanks for sharing where you are today. It’s not always roses and comfrey (although, honestly, I’ve always enjoyed your photos of your comfrey and roses).

    Happened to read something somewhere about the medicinal uses of comfrey, and it made me think of you. Until you posted about it previously, it wasn’t a plant I was even aware of. See? Even when you’re just sharing information, sometimes you’re also teaching someone something. Now I know that comfrey can be used as an anti-inflammatory, and topically it can be used for skin irritations. Oh, and it’s also pretty. 🙂

    • Glad I could help! 🙂 Thanks {{ntexas99}}

  3. Hugs.

    • Thanks ((Ruth))

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.


%d bloggers like this: