I walk into the house from running an errand. NM is waiting. She welcomes me home and adds, “I love you.”
I walk past, so she’s behind me, facing the other way, our backs to each other and several feet between us (she shouldn’t hear me), and I whisper under my breath, “Shut up.”
I walk back to my room, sit down, and cry. I hate them, and I hate myself. This is not who I want to be.
*That’s where I was on Thursday afternoon.
I emailed two people I consider on My Team but hate to burden as they both already have full plates of their own. My heart was lighter for sharing. It didn’t change anything, except I knew I wasn’t alone. The rats racing around in my head slowed. Some of them were put aside for later consideration, needing further information that will only come with time. The others shrank to mouse size instead of the elephant size they were.
Then I received a response to my Thursday blog from ntexas99. She gave me some insights and some ideas I will implement.
One of My Team emailed me back, “scolding” me: I wasn’t a burden. She expected me to broaden my thinking. Funnily enough, much of what she wrote tied into the response Judith posted on my blog not much later.
Last but not long after that, my other email team member also responded, addressing different things than the first. All the important bases were covered.
Four responses from people I consider members of My Team. I wasn’t alone.
Nothing about the situation changed, except my perspective. I still feel trapped, but I’m considering possibilities I’d previously dismissed as impossible. Maybe they still are. It doesn’t matter. I’m taking steps I wouldn’t have otherwise.
God hasn’t provided a way out, yet, but He has provided four friends who blessedly shared their lights in my darkness.