Shut Down…

In the interest of being honest, especially with myself, this is not a cheerful, hang on, you can do it, don’t give up post, to start. I’m tired. My body shut down, and I slept for almost three hours in the middle of the afternoon, despite everything I needed to do.

I liked the idea of hand signals, a truly fantastic idea (thanks ntexas99), indicating I’m distracted and then realized it wouldn’t work. In a healthy relationship, I think it would work great. Keeping in mind for future use, just in case.

Rule #1: Stop Lying, especially to myself. I keep forgetting that conversation is not the intention. I’m offered an overbright greeting and then the conversation is over because they don’t hear or respond to my reply, which is why I long ago gave up replying. I’m the one who initiates an actual conversation, which I’ve also stopped doing because I’m not heard. Though it’s odd how NM has, on rare occasion, carried on conversations with me from a different room. For the most part, the only time I’m allowed to utter more than one or two sentences is when I’m ranting about something I’ve seen on the news, and only EF is willing to listen. Otherwise, I’m talked TO not talked WITH. I’m greeted in a singsong voice, a voice used on no one else, ever since I told NM decades ago I didn’t like it. I didn’t understand that guaranteed the use of said voice forever after.

Actual conversations are far and few between. Yes, this is another one I tested. When I would come home from a few days in California, I would be excited and ready to share. It didn’t take long for that enthusiasm to die. After the second visit (yes, I discovered the problem by the second visit), I would count the number of sentences I was allowed to speak before they broke in and told me about everything that happened while I was gone. The recital usually involved people I didn’t know and events I didn’t know about or even care about. I remind myself that my counselor opened my eyes to the fact I’m an extension of them, not a real person in and of myself. As my visits to Cali continued, I was reduced from two sentences to one. The last time I visited, I was only given enough time to say, “It was great,” and then they were off and running about their weekend.

I hate rehashing. I want to let go, but I have to remember I’m not crazy.

I’ve mentioned being stalked, NM waiting by the door, arranging to be doing something, when I leave or arrive at the house or in the kitchen or coming out of my room, zipping into the kitchen while I’m making my meal for just one thing and then one more, water, scissors, a ruler, a pen. It has never been about having a conversation. The purpose is to demand, without words, I notice and pay attention.

I had enough… I couldn’t take it anymore. Dinner was salt and vinegar chips and chocolate sandwich cookies I already had in my room. This is not healthy but preferable to the flashbacks. I’m once again feeling stupid for not having figured out a way to escape this insanity.

They will wonder why I didn’t make myself some dinner, maybe. Neither one will see the problem, except that I’m the problem. Not in a good place.

That was yesterday. Today will be better.

After thinking about this for a while, this question popped into my head: What if I’m looking at this all wrong?

When I was grocery shopping, a couple of times I thought about buying some Lunchables. Fast, easy, grab from the fridge and go. I talked myself out of them, too expensive, not nutritious… like chips and cookies are. 🙄 If I had listened, I would have had crackers, cheese, and lunchmeat, grab and go. I didn’t buy the pre-made snack because I’m working to make healthier choices. Obviously, with chips in the mix, I’m not entirely successful, but I am working to not buy every snack I see. The Lunchables weren’t on the list of deals. Have I mentioned I’m lousy with money?

Leap of Faith Day spotlights several of my less admirable qualities. I love it anyway.

Maybe this isn’t about the insanity in the house but about me being better aware of me and my needs. I’ve been well trained to ignore what I need… to fill wants not needs… Needs were denied while wants were used as bribes… Food was a reward/punishment. Since I was only allowed to eat what was offered at mealtimes, I used to spend my allowance on candy to have something to eat when I was hungry. Oh… my… I’m still eating candy when I’m hungry.

I vow I’ve changed a lot of things in my life. Really. However, this bit of insanity isn’t one of them. I need to change this.

One final note, I wish I’d found this blog post earlier, but it came when I needed it and was ready to read it. Thank you, Pastor Dave:

https://graceformyheart.wordpress.com/2015/04/17/dont-they-ever-die/

Ending on a more positive note: