Posted by: Judy | April 12, 2016

Gathering my wits…

My thoughts are scattered. Sometimes, it’s important to step back and breathe. I’m really, really lousy at doing this.

I spend so much time in my room, from things people have said, many believe I take a relaxed paced, enjoy time alone, vegetate… without realizing how frantic things are in my head.

A few people demand my attention, without understanding how much work it is for me to shift gears from being inside my head to speak to them. It’s sad that they don’t really want to understand. They don’t want to know me. They want what they want. They think I’m mean and unkind because I ignore them, not considering for a moment that things are so busy in my head I don’t have room for anything else. It’s frustrating and painful to have them take what they demand. In any other circumstances, they wouldn’t know anything at all. I’m not allowed to be my own person. I’m an extension of them and therefore available when they demand. They’ll complain that they are concerned about me and want to make sure I’m all right. I go back to the fact that if I were allowed to be my own person, they wouldn’t know anything at all.

But I’m now allowed to be my own person. I do the best I’m able.

For two weeks, I didn’t read a single story or book, so I could work on my own writing. For comparison: I used to read 1-2 books a day. I limited my television, so I could work on my own writing. I used online interaction to keep from being completely cutoff from the world.

I love Errant Knight. I’m so pleased with how it’s turning out.

I love Leap of Faith Day. It’s my longest novella, yet. It’s such an unexpected and delightful surprise.

Interesting side note: As I edit, I find I must switch sentences around, within a paragraph. I have all the ideas correct, but they’re in the wrong order. All of my editing is switching things around into their proper order.

The other day I started reading Diane Gaston’s latest Regency romance, Bound by One Scandalous Night. They aren’t clean, Christian romances like mine, but they aren’t as explicit as many. I love her books. I’ve been saving it, but I kept putting it off so I could work on my own writing.

I need to stop and breathe. It’s more difficult than it sounds. My brain never shuts off, even when I’ve only two brain cells to rub together.

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Responses

  1. Frenetic thinking can be exhausting, and having to switch gears and switch directions, when interrupted, can be a bit like adding chaos to an already-swirling cauldron of thoughts. My son explained it to me in a way that finally, somehow, got through to me in a way that made sense. He said that there are always dozens of things grabbing his attention, even when he is sitting still and quiet. When I would interrupt his thoughts, it was like turning the volume up on all the other thoughts, while simultaneously blasting an air horn to demand his attention.

    Thankfully, we eventually found a way to communicate that was much less disruptive. He created a short series of hand signals, that basically conveyed “STOP”, “SLOWLY”, “QUIETER”, “NOT NOW, but in a few minutes”, and “PROCEED”, or “GO AHEAD”. Perhaps you should think about coming up with a few hand signals, and even though it is likely they wouldn’t be honored, it would still relieve you of the responsibility of having to verbally respond.

    Even though he is now better able to manage his rampant thoughts, we still sometimes revert back to the hand signals. Of course, I also got better at respecting his boundaries, and learned how to appreciate the cacophony of noise that was always bouncing around inside his head. I also learned how to not take it personally, and to simply recognize that even though I would never fully understand what it sounded like inside his head, I could still, at least, try to be respectful of his need for silence. It worked for us.

    I know your situation is different, in that the people you share space with are focused on their own needs, and not yours. But you can still be an advocate for yourself. If it is causing you stress and disruption, then obviously something needs to change. Hand signals have a way of creating a layer of space, and maybe that would be just enough of a buffer to offer a bit of relief. Might be worth exploring?

    • I love this idea. I know it would never work in my current situation, but it would be useful if I ever married. More than that, it’s a relief to know I’m not the only one and there is a way to work with it. Thank you!


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