Posted by: Judy | March 31, 2016

Stop Looking Back…

I cannot be held responsible for NM’s happiness. I can’t. I would change our relationship if I could. I can’t. She chooses to ignore everything I’ve said. She claims she didn’t hear. Or didn’t understand. Or thought enough time had passed. The underlying, unaddressed problem hasn’t changed. She demands interaction by creating situations where I can’t avoid her. She doesn’t accept that she’s being sneaky, let alone that it undermines her goal. Neither NM nor EF understands boundaries, and they don’t want to learn. They’re happy as is but unhappy with my behavior. Therefore, the problem is mine not theirs. If only I would change, be more accommodating, more cooperative, more like what they want me to be and less like I am. I can’t go back to being that person who bent myself into a pretzel in an effort to blend seamlessly into their lives. What they want is impossible. They want me to be a part without being inconvenient. Their expectations, on too many levels to list, are insanely impossible because they’ve nothing to do with reality. They’re so completely immersed in the world they’ve created, built on a web of interwoven lies, they see problems where there are none and fail to see problems blinking in neon colors in front of their faces. I can’t lie to make them comfortable anymore. I endeavor to withhold the truth as much as possible, but when confronted I won’t lie. They’ll think the interaction is harmless, refusing to acknowledge I’ve endeavored to help them understand my perspective. I refuse to feel badly about telling the truth. Don’t ask a question or make a comment about my food, how I look, or whatever, if you don’t want the answer. “Expressing” concern about me looking tired will be met with my honest reply that you interrupted my train of thought.

The train of thought deserved more respect than it was given. I’m not empty headed waiting for you to fill it with your words and ideas when you feel like interacting with me.

I’ve looked up a few people from my past. Did I mess up what could have been a forever kind of relationship with one of them? Should I have tried harder to maintain the friendships? I saw one was married, a few years ago. I knew his wife, and I think she’s perfect for him. I was relieved. No regrets. Simply relief. Not what I expected.

Perhaps the jumble of thoughts lately has been about rearranging the way I’ve been thinking. I’ve often wondered if I missed out because of the mess I was.

I finally came to the realization I need to stop looking back. My relationships of the past were not meant to be different. They were based on who I was then. Who I was then was riddled with lies.

A few of my relationships have survived the upheaval. I’m grateful for those friendships. It’s important to note that not much has changed within those relationships. Somehow I managed to create a few healthy relationships while I was still swimming in lies. They are the relationships that were based more in truth than the lies. They were based enough in the truth that the removal of the lies didn’t change them much.

What God intends for me is not based on my past. What God intends for me is based on today, now, and what I choose going forward. The past shaped who I am, but it doesn’t decide my future. Had I chosen to stay in the past, my future would be entirely different. I made different choices.

I like who I am now. (Thanks Judith for noticing that.) I’m not perfect, but it’s okay, especially since I refuse to give up endeavoring to be a better person every day.

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Responses

  1. You sound good here 🙂

    • I’m feeling good. 🙂


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