Posted by: Judy | March 28, 2016

Reflection…

The first mistake I made was being born a girl. I accepted Jesus as my Savior at a young age. I needed to be cleansed from my sins. Every kind of abuse continued, and I returned to Jesus again and again, praying His Atonement would work, this time. My relationship with God grew and strengthened. I didn’t understand how since I was still evil, still wicked, still dirty. Without Jesus, I knew my life was utterly hopeless. I’d made so many mistakes. Jesus was the answer. God being perfect meant it was my fault my life didn’t change. I kept seeking forgiveness. I read of the miraculous change others experienced. Why didn’t it work for me? I sought God, and He provided blessings. What was wrong with me that He refused to cleanse me?

I prayed and read God’s word. I knew the problem was me, not God. Why couldn’t I learn? Why couldn’t I “get it?”

I was in my 40s when I fully understood I had nothing of which to repent. All my life, I’d punished myself for sins that weren’t mine. Yes, I’d made plenty of mistakes all on my own. I was responsible for giving those to Jesus and making changes. I was not responsible for what had been done to me by those who chose evil.

God sent a new counselor to help me. The previous two had helped me make progress, but something was missing. My third counselor gave me the book “Toxic Parents.” Dr. Susan Forward opens the book with a list of questions. The kind that says, if you answer yes to some of these questions this book might be helpful. The first asked if there was name calling? My immediate response was “Oh, no, that never happened in our house.” I felt like I’d slammed into a brick wall as I immediately remembered the ugly nickname given to me before I’d turned a year old. I realized in that moment I’d lied to myself first. So began the battle to learn Rule #1 Stop Lying, especially to myself.

It helped when I heard the quote “The truth will set you free, but first it will make you miserable.” I was miserable. I closed the book and put it away for six months. My counselor helped me learn to stop and think. When I opened the book again, it was under the condition I not answer immediately. I had to stop and think. By the time I finished the list of 31 questions, I’d answered yes to every single one. It was devastating and an odd kind of relief. The work I’d been struggling to accomplish finally began.

God guided me through stripping away all the lies. He opened doors and closed doors, brought people into my life and removed them. All the studying I’d done growing up finally made sense. Many things in my life didn’t change. Many things did. The most important thing to change was the hole inside me, the one I couldn’t fill no matter how hard I tried, disappeared. I finally allowed God to step into the place He belonged, the hole I’d kept for far too long because I hadn’t believed I was worthy to have it filled.

Every day I have to remind myself to not lie to myself. When I feel overwhelmed and confused I step back and remind myself of the most important truth I learned and finally believe: Jesus Christ is my Savior and Redeemer.

100_2744

Advertisements

Responses

  1. That book Toxic Parents along with Karyl McBride’s book were life changing.

    I remember my first foray into counseling, when the therapist asked me about my parents, I quickly responded, “Oh no, it’s me that needs fixing. My parents have done nothing wrong. They just worry about me and I want to stop worrying them.”

    Ugh.

    • Fortunately, we didn’t stay there. 🙂

  2. Needs a love it button. We have come a long way. Hugs.

    • 🙂


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Categories

%d bloggers like this: