Posted by: Judy | March 15, 2016

Beware the Ides of March

Some observations: When NM and EF knowingly violate an agreed upon boundary, they maintain a safer distance from me. To be clear: I have never hit either one of them, ever. I’ve never threatened to do so. I’ve never even hinted at it. I haven’t shouted at them, except in attempting to help them hear me because they can’t hear me, in… I don’t know how long. I gave up not long after the first go-around almost two years ago.

Last week, NM scheduled an appointment during the time I’m supposed to have the car. NM and EF have gone so far as to write my name on the calendar on the days I use the car so this supposedly won’t happen. Of course, it does. They then give me a wide berth for a while.

NM is complaining I don’t talk to her, again. What is the point? She doesn’t hear me when I do talk to her, and if she hears me, she doesn’t listen.

She’s spreading stories, again. I imagine setting her straight, even as I remember my counselor pointing to the wall, reminding me I might as well bang my head against the wall. It will accomplish the same thing. Nothing but a headache for me.

Thank you, Pastor Dave, for this timely reminder:

https://graceformyheart.wordpress.com/2016/03/11/i-dont-want-to-be-a-narcissist/

I recognized the first scenario immediately. Funny to feel such a relief at the validation, even now.

Side note: I’ve slept a lot the last few days. My body apparently has been fighting and needing more time to repair. I slowed down and allowed myself to rest. I feel considerably better. I’m better able to shrug off the insanity and give it to God.

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Responses

  1. I really like his advice to the narcissist, but of course they never will do his suggestions.

    I guess I felt some relief reading his words. Almost 10 years ago, I ruined a friendship as I was getting sober. I was a pretty raw mess of emotions, and I handled things badly with my best friend. My state of mind was a reason, but not an excuse for how I acted. I apologized and he accepted, but things have never been the same and I’m not in frequent contact with him anymore like I was. I accept that I did it, and I feel absolutely horrible about it. It is definitely one of the biggest regrets of my life. I’m actually feeling sick about it just writing about it here.

    But recognizing that I do feel the shame and loss makes me realize that at least I’m not a narcissist. (I hope)

    • Maybe you aren’t best friends any more because you changed. I did a little hunting on FB, yesterday, and found someone I’d once been fond. I was relieved to realize he was a good friend at the time, but he doesn’t really fit me anymore. I’ve changed a lot. He isn’t a jerk. In fact, he’s one of the best men I know, but really have little in common. Moving on was a healthy choice. Beating yourself up doesn’t make it better. He said he’s forgiven you. Forgive yourself.

      • We both did change, but I do miss the laughs. One day I might forgive myself, but not yet. Thanks for reminding me that I shouldn’t always beat myself up for it. 🙂


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