Posted by: Judy | March 8, 2016

Another round…

I had decided I wasn’t going to focus on the insanity. However, I’m learning some things, and I am focusing on healing.

I finally figured out why I respond with rage, rather than ignoring or simple irritation, when NM even walks through the kitchen during my kitchen time. It actually isn’t a big deal, except it hits a gigantic hot button. Every time she does it, she reminds me of all the times she violated my privacy. All the times I was required to leave bathroom doors unlocked. All the times she walked in. All the times I wasn’t allowed to say or do anything to stop her. The insane rage she expressed when I finally started locking bathroom doors when I was in college.

Yes, the little fudging on my kitchen time isn’t huge. It is, however, indicative of the fact NM still doesn’t respect me in any way. The violations aren’t as blatant only because I’ve cut off the opportunity.

I also came to realize that I’m carrying around this bundle of hurt and anger, and frankly, I’m tired of carrying it.

No, NM will not change. NM doesn’t want to change. NM doesn’t see a problem. NM didn’t see a problem with her behavior way back then either. NM denies anything happened. NM can’t tell the truth without convicting herself.

Oh. Sort of like when she told me I had to tell if my molester touched me again. She expected me to tell on myself. Except it isn’t the same. I hadn’t done anything wrong. I wasn’t the one who threatened anyone they would be in trouble if they told. I should never have been treated like the adult when I was a child.

NM wants to be friends. I cannot be friends with someone who believes it’s acceptable to ignore another person’s privacy over and over and over.

I’m still tired of carrying around this ball of irritation, but it helps to know what it is and why it exists. If I don’t wear my prickly armor, NM thinks it’s okay to further violate my privacy.

In Jesus Was an Airborne Ranger, John McDougall talks about the Warrior Christ. McDougall refers to the scene in the temple where Jesus uses a whip and turns over tables. McDougall called it controlled aggression and suggested that Jesus mastered the skill.

I’m uncomfortable admitting I’m capable of being aggressive, which is really kind of stupid when you think about it. I’ve published a number of books through a publisher and on my own. This requires a certain amount of controlled aggression, a willingness to fight for what I want, especially when I had trouble with a few of my editors who wanted to change my stories, and not for the better.

McDougall made me wonder if perhaps the Lord is endeavoring to teach me to better control my aggression. The problem has been that I didn’t see aggression as a positive. It was wicked, evil, wrong. So I endeavored to squash it. However, as I said before, it is that very aggression that saw me through any of a number of adventures. For years, I’ve used the leashed aggression for traveling. I’m terrified, but I dig deep for the fighter mentality to do what scares me to death.

I’m not entirely comfortable with this idea. Or maybe I’m struggling with seeing how this is going to work. It’s something I’ll be thinking about for a while.

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Responses

  1. You got it right when you say NM will not change, has no desire to change and does not think she needs to change. Recognizing that was a big step for me. I did try to work with her within those parameters for awhile, but in the long run it ended up still hurting me so I walked away. Knowing she would never change helped me realize that going no contact was about self-preservation.

    Anger and aggression are not inherently evil. Self-preservation is a good thing. And your NM is all about erasing who you are to suit her needs and wants. Don’t feel guilty for fighting against that.

    • Thanks for the reminder that self-preservation is a good thing and putting the insanity in perspective. I don’t know why I can’t seem to keep in my head that I’m an extension of NM and EF. In being an extension, I do not exist in and of myself. Whether they intend to or not, the way they treat me erases who I am to suit their needs and wants. You’re right. I need to fight against that. It was never what God intended. God created me to be ME.

      • Yeah, there’s no room for you to be you in any relationship with them. Which isn’t really a relationship if there’s isn’t a real you. My husband was always shocked at how anxious and wound up I’d get after spending any time with my parents, even after I’d acknowledged they’d never change. Because they were toxic to me and I’d end up wrecked.

        It’s terrible how your parents fail to see how awesome you are as YOU and not just an extension of them. It is THEIR loss that they are missing out.

        • Acknowledging they won’t change doesn’t remove the need to be aware and on guard. Hyperawareness and self-protection is a lot of work, especially of the emotional variety. I find emotional weariness tougher than physical weariness. Thanks.

  2. Judy, I have also in just the last week or so been tapping into my anger at what was done to me and it is become a sort of fuel for getting those things done that I am struggling with because of my upbringing. It is a very new and different feeling, I am very surprised at how it is buoying me and enhancing all the good things in my life.

    So often, I simply shy away from doing things that would give me the life I want, because I learned I was never to be anyone less it threaten my mothers sense of self and accomplishment. Any needs or wants of mine were to be suppressed, there was no room for caring for me because she was and is so hurt herself from her upbrining. But then nothing changes because I don’t do the things that would make the change. But these last days, the anger is the force that allows me to charge over the huge emotional hurdle and begin the work I truly want to do. It is still scary and I have to bribe myself with lit candles, tea, and candy to stay with it, but the actual work is not hard and so, I can do it as long as I can manage my emotions and the anger is countering the conditioning.

    I am nurturing the anger and holding on to it, cherishing the power in it. I was reading up online and in one place it mentioned that anger requires that we have a sense of self so that we can become angry about the violation of that self. It made me feel like I have made another big step forward. Something in my self has become strong enough and clear enough that I am regaining normal responses to boundary violations. Go me!

    And I am finding that at the same time that I am nurturing anger and aggression I am kinder, more loving, more vulnerable, more accountable to others and to myself. I think the anger we carry is tied to recovery directly, neccesary, healthy and healing. Your post today was right on topic for me!

    • Good points about the power of anger. I’ve used it. I struggle to keep it constructive instead of destructive. My sister taught me that anger is a warning signal a healthy boundary has been violated. Sometimes I’m so mired in the frustration, I don’t see the good. Thanks for reminding me about the positives.


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