Posted by: Judy | February 11, 2016

I want to be better…

The altercation with NM has been nattering at me for almost two weeks now. No I never confronted her. It’s pointless. I mentioned I was too gleeful in learning I messed up her day every day simply by not allowing her to control me.

A friend asked me to examine my perspective. “What if she really was trying to do something nice for you?”

The same question crossed my mind. I want to give her the benefit of a doubt, not because of who she is but because of who I want to be.

Would I even recognize it if she was trying to do something nice for me?

I didn’t recognize how she manipulated/hurt/blamed me until I watched how she treated others. Then others started pointing out how she treated me.

The friend who posed the question firmly believes I can’t heal as long as I live here. I fear she’s right, but I’m not sure I ever believed I could fully heal in this life.

I don’t ever want to take pleasure in needling NM, which is what I’d decided to do with regards to food control. This isn’t who I want to be. I can’t control her. I can control me.

If I could go completely no contact, I would. I do so as much as I’m able and am criticized for being unfriendly, unkind… yes, including by me.

There is no such thing as win/lose in relationships. It’s either win/win or lose/lose. Sometimes, both people choose to change. More often than not, one chooses to change, and the other changes in response. The relationship falls apart when one refuses to change.

I can hear my counselor in my head: “You need to move out.”

Yes, yes, I do. One of these days, when my finances change, I will.

Until then, I need to remember his early goal for me: “We don’t want you to lose your tender heart.”

Tender hearts are hurt. Feeling hurt is not evil. Allowing my hurt feelings to harden my heart is.

Giving NM to God. I don’t know what else to do. I should have done that first.

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Responses

  1. One thing I hear you saying is that you don’t want to lose who you are, based on how you react to NM. I understand there is a real danger in that happening, in that we can allow ourselves to become so defensive, that we are no longer even capable of considering or believing that anything authentic might ever transpire, but if we close ourselves off completely, we are also closing ourselves off to others. It’s a delicate balance; to remain aware and cautious, but also to keep your tender heart open.

    I spent many (way too many) years stuck in a position of hatred, in that the only way I could keep a safe distance between me and my abuser was to throw up a block of hatred. It took a lot of time and energy fueling that fire, and it wasn’t until the day came that I was able to let go of it that I realized all that energy being used to keep the fire fueled was energy that I might have been able to use for more positive purposes. Rather than think of it in terms of giving them a free pass, for example, I ended up thinking of it in terms of opening up that extra source of energy to explore happier things. It helped me learn how to let go.

    I think it’s good that you’re recognizing that you may be allowing yourself to become someone you aren’t, because you’re expending energy in trying to keep that protective barrier up. Protect YOU first. It’s about adding value to your life, not subtracting. Good post.

    • The anger isn’t worth the energy, which does not mean I let my guard down. This is going to be interesting: Exploring how I learn to better embrace the good and turn away from the bad.

  2. You live in a toxic environment, so it’s going to make you sick to some degree. Be kind to yourself.

    • Thanks for the much needed reminder.


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