The altercation with NM has been nattering at me for almost two weeks now. No I never confronted her. It’s pointless. I mentioned I was too gleeful in learning I messed up her day every day simply by not allowing her to control me.
A friend asked me to examine my perspective. “What if she really was trying to do something nice for you?”
The same question crossed my mind. I want to give her the benefit of a doubt, not because of who she is but because of who I want to be.
Would I even recognize it if she was trying to do something nice for me?
I didn’t recognize how she manipulated/hurt/blamed me until I watched how she treated others. Then others started pointing out how she treated me.
The friend who posed the question firmly believes I can’t heal as long as I live here. I fear she’s right, but I’m not sure I ever believed I could fully heal in this life.
I don’t ever want to take pleasure in needling NM, which is what I’d decided to do with regards to food control. This isn’t who I want to be. I can’t control her. I can control me.
If I could go completely no contact, I would. I do so as much as I’m able and am criticized for being unfriendly, unkind… yes, including by me.
There is no such thing as win/lose in relationships. It’s either win/win or lose/lose. Sometimes, both people choose to change. More often than not, one chooses to change, and the other changes in response. The relationship falls apart when one refuses to change.
I can hear my counselor in my head: “You need to move out.”
Yes, yes, I do. One of these days, when my finances change, I will.
Until then, I need to remember his early goal for me: “We don’t want you to lose your tender heart.”
Tender hearts are hurt. Feeling hurt is not evil. Allowing my hurt feelings to harden my heart is.
Giving NM to God. I don’t know what else to do. I should have done that first.