Last week, I was dealing with a deadline. Somehow NM knows. It’s happened before. She’s pushes buttons. Breathe. Back to center. Focus.
I’ve been making it a habit to eat whenever NM and EF are gone. Grocery shopping, doctor’s office, other errands. They’re gone; I eat. I leave my door ajar, about 6″, to keep my room from becoming stuffy. She and EF have been told repeatedly that what I eat is off limits. No comments. No discussion. They ignore it, more sometimes than others. Deadlines are stressful enough, without being pestered about my eating. Massive, gigantic triggers. It’s stupid I need to set this up. I still have to lay out my evidence and reasoning to myself. I still can’t simply see the insanity without reassuring myself it isn’t me.
I was busy writing on Friday, making great progress. Around 2 PM, I took a break. Inside my door, on the floor, is a plastic container holding a cold pack, cut and buttered roll, meat, and a yogurt. The note on top, in NM’s print, was “Judy Please don’t starve.”
1. I was terrified I hadn’t heard her at the door.
She knowingly violated my bedroom boundary. I’m opening my closet door, again, so she can’t access my room.
2. I’d had a good early lunch, while they were out, and definitely wasn’t hungry.
I think she strangely believes that if she doesn’t see me eat I don’t. Maybe not… I’m endeavoring to find an explanation. The truth is that it’s about controlling me.
3. Now I have to decide what to do with something I didn’t ask for and didn’t want.
It isn’t about me or what I need. She has created more work for me. It’s about her helping herself feel better. It isn’t about me.
4. She had to go into my stuff to get the yogurt.
She took my food without my permission. Does not matter she was giving it to me. I didn’t ask for it. This is a boundary violation.
5. She cut the roll, buttered it, and put it in a plastic baggy, a repeatedly used and washed plastic baggy. There was something else in the bag, black spots. What? I don’t know.
She brags about being called Unsanitary Sal. She also knows this bothers me.
6. I put it away in the refrigerator. I didn’t want it.
No is meaningless and I’m a bad person for using it, except I’m not.
7. It nattered in my head, off and on, disrupting my thought process.
She wanted my attention. She had it. I hate that I do it.
8. Saturday morning, the yogurt is back but not where I’d left it.
If you’re going to “borrow” something, but it back where you found it. What is so difficult about this?
9. The roll was with my food.
I didn’t ask for it. I didn’t want it. I wasn’t sure how sanitary it was. I fed it to the birds.
10. I exploded. I was home alone. I raged.
I hate losing it like that.
11. I could imagine NM telling people how ungrateful I am. I could imagine people telling me how ungrateful I am.
Doesn’t require much imagination when similar situations have happened.
12. I could imagine myself replying, “This is the woman who criticized my weight when I was 5’5″ and weighed 125 lb, with measurements 34″/24″/36″.” “She would make food and ask if I liked it. If I did, she changed it until I didn’t like it. That’s how she’d make it from then on, so I wouldn’t eat it.”
I’m tired of defending myself, but it’s my job, no one else’s.
13. I laughed.
It’s absolutely insane.
14. I write.
It helps me process.
15. On Saturday, NM sent an email with a subject line starting “I worry…”
The whole episode was never about me.
Many people would say that she was being kind, helpful, even thoughtful.
For her to make such a ridiculous assumption that I would starve with all the food I squirrel away insinuates I’m stupid and incapable of taking care of myself.
Using kindness to push buttons isn’t kind.