Posted by: Judy | October 22, 2015

Being set up to fail…

I knew the abusers in my life set me up to fail, over and over. I never noticed how often they set up others to fail, including themselves.

A special occasion recently occurred. It’s an annual event, so it isn’t like it’s a surprise. This is what I was told, “We’ll see what happens.” Not in an enthusiastic way but fatalistic.

Background information: They didn’t invite anyone to celebrate. No one. However, they did expect others to make an effort. They didn’t make any plans for themselves to celebrate. Nothing.

Here’s the crazy part: They express their disappointment in what others didn’t do. “Guess everyone was busy.” “It would have been nice if they’d at least called.” “We didn’t want anything, just a quick visit.”

I want to shake them but know it wouldn’t do any good.

If I want to celebrate anything, I know it’s up to me to make arrangements. Granted, I know my strengths and my weaknesses, not all but many. If you want a party, do not ask me to plan it or set it up. My parties are notorious for flopping. I’m not particularly comfortable at parties either. I’m simply not a party person. They’re too busy. Too much is going on, and my hypervigilance wears me out in no time.

However, I arrange to meet friends at P.croissant. I arrange to have lunch or dinner with a dear friend. I buy myself a small treat, like a new soft blanket. I confess, I bought another one this week. I’m celebrating the near completion of Just Friends.

One of the reasons I’m writing my Holiday, USA series is because holidays are about celebrating events in life, thereby celebrating life. Life is worth celebrating.

Expecting others, not including God, to simply provide what is needed is setting up one’s self and others to fail. This is them expecting me and others to make them happy. It isn’t kind.

Only God can do the impossible. However, even He won’t force. He’ll invite, encourage, and open a way, but we must choose the way, take the step, accept the invitation.

I’ve repeatedly berated myself for waiting for things to happen instead of doing something. It’s something I’ve been working on changing for as long as I can remember. How many times have a wondered why I practiced such a lazy habit? Now I know where I learned it.

A bit of good news on this front: I have been learning to make plans and follow through… How often have I scolded myself for making plans and failing to follow through? I hated myself for that. It never occurred to me that it was a huge step for me to simply make plans. I saw the failure of not following through instead of the success of making a plan of action.

My goals and gifts to myself are all about me making plans and following through. I actually do follow through on most of my plans. In fact, I’m improving. I’m learning how to create workable plans, scheduling a time-line, fine-tuning, adjusting as needed without beating myself up.

I’m learning to be the person I want to be instead of being stuck as the person I was taught to be. How cool is that?




  1. How many books have you finished and published? I would say you have turned finishing into a strength. Hugs.

    • ((Ruth))

  2. What a lovely photograph!

    I’m kind of a planner when it comes to doing things I want to do. My husband is more of a last minute person. If I know I want to do something, I plan it myself. Then I can relax and just do whatever it is rather than fret about whether there’s time in the schedule or if reservations are still available, etc. my FOO never really planned anything, and it always felt like a constant letdown.

    I love blankets too! I’m always having to restrain myself from buying more. We have too many already, but I love to cost up with a blanket.

    • Thank you! It was a sunset in August. I have a little digital camera I enjoy using. Nothing fancy. It’s all God. 🙂

      I think the difference is that neither you nor your husband expect things to magically happen simply because you want it to; you both recognize that if you want to do something you have to do it. You don’t expect others to carry out what you want done. The length of the planning stage varies, but you decide and follow through. I’m not particularly good at spontaneous either. I need time to frame things in my head… Oh. It’s the difference between accepting responsibility for self and passive-aggressive behavior. Good for us.

      I keep telling myself I’m not going to buy another one… but they’re soooo soft! 😀

  3. I want to hit the “Love” button!

    • 🙂

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